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Band 5

The concept of success has varying interpretations. Some individuals attribute success to hard work and determination, while others emphasize factors such as wealth and physical appearance as being more influential. Discuss both views and give your own opinion.

#concept #success #interpretations #individuals #work #determination #factors #wealth #appearance
Some argue that
success
 can be
interpretated
Correct your spelling
interpreted
 by how hardworking an individual is,
while
 others think that factors like
wealth
 and appearance are more
dominent
Correct your spelling
dominant
.
Although
 determination surely is a necessary component for
success
, I believe that
wealth
 should be the main consideration as
money
 greatly
affect
Correct subject-verb agreement
affects
show examples
people
's life qualities in modern society. On
one
Correct article usage
the one
show examples
 hand, no one can
success
Replace the word
succeed
show examples
 without putting
work
in
Change preposition
into
show examples
 it. Even if you have an innovative idea that can help millions of
people
, nothing will change if no one is putting it
in
Change preposition
into
show examples
 action.
For instance
, Albert Edison had made hundreds of trials before he created the first functional light
blub
Correct your spelling
bulb
show examples
. The difference between a successful person like Edison and a common individual is that
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 most
people
 lose their determination in midway.
Hence
,
it
Correct pronoun usage
there
show examples
 is no doubt that hard
work
act
Verb problem
plays
show examples
 an important role
torwards
Correct your spelling
in
success
.
On the other hand
,
wealth
 gives
people
 the ability to enhance their lives. Nowadays, we live in a
captialism
Correct your spelling
capitalist
 society, where most of the things require
money
.
For example
, food
are
Change the verb form
is
show examples
 sold in supermarkets, games and movie tickets cost
money
,
there
Correct word choice
and there
show examples
 are bills and rents that need to be paid. A successful man can not only use
money
Add an article
the money
show examples
 to buy better and healthier food for himself, he can even make donations to help other
people
 as well.
Moreover
, I think that
wealth
 is an objective number that can be easily compared. Things like
degree
Correct article usage
the degree
show examples
 of effort or dedication put into
a
Remove the article
apply
show examples
work
 may not be easily quantified,
while
salary
Add an article
the salary
show examples
 of a job clearly means how much your
work
 is worth.
Therefore
, an objective factor like
wealth
 should be used to
interpretate
Correct your spelling
interpret
 the concept of
success
. In conclusion, despite the fact that in order to
success
Replace the word
succeed
show examples
 there must be hard
work
 put into it, I believe that
wealth
 as an objective factor that greatly
affect
Change the verb form
affects
show examples
people
's daily lives is more influential
on
Change preposition
in
show examples
interpretating
Correct your spelling
interpreting
success
.
Submitted by jackcityone on

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coherence cohesion
Be sure to consistently link your ideas and arguments to the main question throughout the essay, keeping your reasoning coherent and cohesive. Avoid diverging from the set topic.
coherence cohesion
More connective words and phrases could help improve the logical flow of the essay. Make better use of paragraphs to clearly separate and emphasize your points.
coherence cohesion
Introduction and conclusion are both present, which is good. Ensure they precisely outline and summarize the main arguments of your essay, respectively.
task achievement
While you have addressed the task, make sure to fully develop both sides of the argument equally before giving your own opinion. This shows a balanced consideration of the views.
task achievement
Your ideas are clear but could be better supported with a more comprehensive range of examples and evidence. This could give your arguments more weight and make them more persuasive.
task achievement
Use more relevant and specific examples to support your points; they help to illustrate your arguments and demonstrate a deeper understanding of the topic.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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