IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5

Scientists and technology expert seem to be more valued by modern society than musicians and artists. To what extent do you agree?

#scientists #technology #expert #society #musicians #artists
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Some nationalities tend to put more value on their
scientists
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 than their
artists
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.
However
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, I totally disagree with
this
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 because of the importance of
arts
Fix the agreement mistake
art
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 in the mental
health
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 of a population and the influence of artistic works on one's
scense
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sense
 of
creativity
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.
Initially
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,
artists
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 can be tremendously helpful to the public mental
health
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. A piece of art like
a fine music
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fine music
a piece of fine music
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 can help our mind to be relaxed, especially after going through all the stresses and strains of our daily life. Our mental function
need
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needs
show examples
this
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 means of relaxation to keep working properly, just like
the
Correct article usage
apply
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exercising
that is
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crusial
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crucial
 for our physical function.
For instance
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, some mental
health
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 clinics are now using artistic methods
such
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 as listening to
musics
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music
kinds of music
pieces of music
show examples
 or drawing paintings to enhance the mental
health
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 of their patients.
In addition
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 to that, arts can help the
creativity
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 of
people
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 to be enhanced which is a vital matter in scientific developments.
Scientists
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 are dependent
to
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on
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 their
scense
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sense
 of
creativity
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 in order to present new ideas and inventions. It has been evidenced that
artists
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 can inspire
people
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, especially children, and act like
a
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apply
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role
model
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models
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 for them to do more activities like painting that can make them more creative in the future.
As a result
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, if
scientists
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 are important to a society they somehow owe their position to the
artists
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 that have helped them to have a creative mind. In conclusion,
although
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 some
people
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 might believe that science is more important than art, I do not agree with
this
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statment
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statement
 because art can be widely helpful to the
creativity
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 and
health
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 of
people
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's
mind
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minds
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 which are both vital even for
scientists
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 themselves. So, by encouraging
artists
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 we can expect that their
possitive
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positive
 effects can cause the
sicence
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science
 to
develope
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develop
 much faster.
Submitted by greatsoloist on

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task achievement
Though your essay presents a clear position throughout, it falls short in fully developing that position with sufficiently extended and well-supported arguments. The introduction and conclusion are present, but to enhance your score, consider providing a more detailed introduction that outlines the upcoming arguments more effectively, and a conclusion that doesn't merely restate your main points but provides a broader reflection on the topic at hand.
coherence cohesion
Your essay demonstrates adequate coherence and cohesion, with some logical structuring of ideas. However, to achieve a higher band score, aim for more varied and precise use of cohesive devices, and strive to organize your paragraphs more effectively around clear central topics. Avoid repetitions and work on seamless transitions between ideas. Furthermore, prudent editing for sentence variety and complexity would benefit your essay's readability and coherence.
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