IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 5

Scientists and technology expert seem to be more valued by modern society than musicians and artists. To what extent do you agree?

#scientists #technology #expert #society #musicians #artists
Some nationalities tend to put more value on their
scientists
 than their
artists
.
However
, I totally disagree with
this
 because of the importance of
arts
Fix the agreement mistake
art
show examples
 in the mental
health
 of a population and the influence of artistic works on one's
scense
Correct your spelling
sense
 of
creativity
.
Initially
,
artists
 can be tremendously helpful to the public mental
health
. A piece of art like
a fine music
Remove the article
fine music
a piece of fine music
show examples
 can help our mind to be relaxed, especially after going through all the stresses and strains of our daily life. Our mental function
need
Change the verb form
needs
show examples
this
 means of relaxation to keep working properly, just like
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
exercising
that is
crusial
Correct your spelling
crucial
 for our physical function.
For instance
, some mental
health
 clinics are now using artistic methods
such
 as listening to
musics
Change the wording
music
kinds of music
pieces of music
show examples
 or drawing paintings to enhance the mental
health
 of their patients.
In addition
 to that, arts can help the
creativity
 of
people
 to be enhanced which is a vital matter in scientific developments.
Scientists
 are dependent
to
Change preposition
on
show examples
 their
scense
Correct your spelling
sense
 of
creativity
 in order to present new ideas and inventions. It has been evidenced that
artists
 can inspire
people
, especially children, and act like
a
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
role
model
Fix the agreement mistake
models
show examples
 for them to do more activities like painting that can make them more creative in the future.
As a result
, if
scientists
 are important to a society they somehow owe their position to the
artists
 that have helped them to have a creative mind. In conclusion,
although
 some
people
 might believe that science is more important than art, I do not agree with
this
statment
Correct your spelling
statement
 because art can be widely helpful to the
creativity
 and
health
 of
people
's
mind
Fix the agreement mistake
minds
show examples
 which are both vital even for
scientists
 themselves. So, by encouraging
artists
 we can expect that their
possitive
Correct your spelling
positive
 effects can cause the
sicence
Correct your spelling
science
 to
develope
Correct your spelling
develop
 much faster.
Submitted by greatsoloist on

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task achievement
Though your essay presents a clear position throughout, it falls short in fully developing that position with sufficiently extended and well-supported arguments. The introduction and conclusion are present, but to enhance your score, consider providing a more detailed introduction that outlines the upcoming arguments more effectively, and a conclusion that doesn't merely restate your main points but provides a broader reflection on the topic at hand.
coherence cohesion
Your essay demonstrates adequate coherence and cohesion, with some logical structuring of ideas. However, to achieve a higher band score, aim for more varied and precise use of cohesive devices, and strive to organize your paragraphs more effectively around clear central topics. Avoid repetitions and work on seamless transitions between ideas. Furthermore, prudent editing for sentence variety and complexity would benefit your essay's readability and coherence.
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