Scientists and technology expert seem to be more valued by modern society than musicians and artists. To what extent do you agree?
Some nationalities tend to put more value on their
scientists
than their artists
. However
, I totally disagree with this
because of the importance of arts
in the mental Fix the agreement mistake
art
health
of a population and the influence of artistic works on one's scense
of Correct your spelling
sense
creativity
.
Initially
, artists
can be tremendously helpful to the public mental health
. A piece of art like a fine music
can help our mind to be relaxed, especially after going through all the stresses and strains of our daily life. Our mental function Remove the article
fine music
a piece of fine music
need
Change the verb form
needs
this
means of relaxation to keep working properly, just like the
exercising Correct article usage
apply
that is
crusial
for our physical function. Correct your spelling
crucial
For instance
, some mental health
clinics are now using artistic methods such
as listening to musics
or drawing paintings to enhance the mental Change the wording
music
kinds of music
pieces of music
health
of their patients.
In addition
to that, arts can help the creativity
of people
to be enhanced which is a vital matter in scientific developments. Scientists
are dependent to
their Change preposition
on
scense
of Correct your spelling
sense
creativity
in order to present new ideas and inventions. It has been evidenced that artists
can inspire people
, especially children, and act like a
role Correct article usage
apply
model
for them to do more activities like painting that can make them more creative in the future. Fix the agreement mistake
models
As a result
, if scientists
are important to a society they somehow owe their position to the artists
that have helped them to have a creative mind.
In conclusion, although
some people
might believe that science is more important than art, I do not agree with this
statment
because art can be widely helpful to the Correct your spelling
statement
creativity
and health
of people
's mind
which are both vital even for Fix the agreement mistake
minds
scientists
themselves. So, by encouraging artists
we can expect that their possitive
effects can cause the Correct your spelling
positive
sicence
to Correct your spelling
science
develope
much faster.Correct your spelling
develop
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task achievement
Though your essay presents a clear position throughout, it falls short in fully developing that position with sufficiently extended and well-supported arguments. The introduction and conclusion are present, but to enhance your score, consider providing a more detailed introduction that outlines the upcoming arguments more effectively, and a conclusion that doesn't merely restate your main points but provides a broader reflection on the topic at hand.
coherence cohesion
Your essay demonstrates adequate coherence and cohesion, with some logical structuring of ideas. However, to achieve a higher band score, aim for more varied and precise use of cohesive devices, and strive to organize your paragraphs more effectively around clear central topics. Avoid repetitions and work on seamless transitions between ideas. Furthermore, prudent editing for sentence variety and complexity would benefit your essay's readability and coherence.
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