IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 4

Write about the following topic: Some people believe that children should be made disciplined by making them obey rules and do what their parents and teachers want them to do. Others, however, believe that those children who are controlled are not well-prepared to tackle the challenges life brings to them. Discuss both views and give your opinion.

#topic #people #children #rules #parents #teachers #challenges #life
Nowadays, numerous
person
Fix the agreement mistake
people
show examples
 think that
youngster
Fix the agreement mistake
youngsters
show examples
 should be made disciplined by making them obey
rules
 and what their
parents
 and teachers want them to do. But
otheres
Correct your spelling
others
, believe that those
children
 who are not controlled are not
well- prepared
Correct your spelling
well-prepared
show examples
 to tackle the challenges life brings to them. In
this
 essay, I will discuss with views and explain the reasons.
Firstly
, If
children
are following
Verb problem
apply
show examples
obey
rules
 given by
parents
 and teachers,
then
those
Correct pronoun usage
they
show examples
 are good
citizen
Fix the agreement mistake
citizens
show examples
 of
nation
Add an article
the nation
a nation
show examples
 and
also
 follow the
rules
 of discipline. To explain,
parents
 and teachers always
gudied
Correct your spelling
guided
 to those for education and social skills with
own
Correct pronoun usage
their own
show examples
 experienced basis.
For example
, as per a survey by BBC News, when
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
children
to give
Verb problem
get
show examples
 proper
guidence
Correct your spelling
guidance
 from family
member
Fix the agreement mistake
members
show examples
 and institutes
then
Correct your spelling
they
show examples
those are learning
Wrong verb form
learn
show examples
 a lot of things and easily understand
right
Add an article
the right
show examples
 or wrong path.
Hence
, good
parents
 always
gives
Change the verb form
give
show examples
to
Verb problem
apply
show examples
valueable
Correct your spelling
valuable
 things to our
children
 and help to improve their behaviours with others.
Secondly
, sometimes
parents
extra
Add a missing verb
are extra
show examples
 possessive
for
Change preposition
of
show examples
children
 they are always controlling
to
Change preposition
with
show examples
 them. To
elobrate
Correct your spelling
illustrate
, If we are trying to exessive control
then
 worst effect on them. They
are
Verb problem
do
show examples
 not
feeling
Wrong verb form
feel
show examples
 confident and not a good decision maker and
always
Add a missing verb
are always
show examples
 in fear they are doing right or wrong work and not prepared for
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
future problems when
he
Correct pronoun usage
they
show examples
servived
Correct your spelling
serve
 alone.
For instance
, As per a report by WHO, every year thousands of people
died
Wrong verb form
die
show examples
due to
 illness
of
Change preposition
apply
show examples
depression and not
tackle
Wrong verb form
tackling
show examples
 the challenges in life.
The
Change preposition
As the
show examples
 results,
parents
 help
to
Change preposition
apply
show examples
them to
prepared
Wrong verb form
prepare
show examples
 to tackle every situation in life. In conclusion,
boths
Correct your spelling
both
 are important for
children
obey
Add the particle
to obey
show examples
rules
Correct article usage
the rules
show examples
 given by
parents
 and
teacher
Fix the agreement mistake
teachers
show examples
, It
is help
Change the verb form
helps
show examples
 to
became
Wrong verb form
become
show examples
a
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
good
citizen
Fix the agreement mistake
citizens
show examples
 for them and learn a lot of things.
Parents
given to
Wrong verb form
gave
show examples
 them some space but eyes on that they going on
right
Add an article
the right
show examples
 path and guided
Correct pronoun usage
them on
show examples
on
Change preposition
from
show examples
 time to time.
Submitted by lavneet.kumar45 on

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Task Achievement
Your essay barely touched upon the requirements of the task. It needs more expansion in terms of explaining both views thoroughly before presenting your opinion. An equal treatment of both perspectives, followed by a reasoned conclusion, is expected for a high score in Task Achievement.
Coherence and Cohesion
Your writing lacks clear progression of ideas. Paragraphs should be logically organized with clear topic sentences and subsequent supporting sentences that develop the main idea effectively. Use cohesive devices to improve the flow from one sentence to another.

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