IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Some children spend hours every day on their smartphones. Why is this the case? Do you think this is a positive or a negative development? Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience

#children #hours #smartphones #case #development
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Many
children
 enjoy their time with mobile
phone
Fix the agreement mistake
phones
show examples
 every day.
This
happen
Change the verb form
happens
show examples
 as their
parents
 are too busy to play with them and end up with
decision
Add an article
a decision
the decision
show examples
 to give them the device. In my
perspective
Add a comma
perspective,
show examples
this
 is a negative development which can lead to loneliness and
worst
Add an article
the worst
show examples
 relationship between parent and
childrend
Correct your spelling
children
. The main reason
of
Change preposition
apply
show examples
why
this
is occur
Change the verb form
is occurring
show examples
 is that
Correct pronoun usage
they unavailabale
show examples
unavailabale
Correct your spelling
unavailable
available
parents
' time because of their work. An increasing number of
family
Fix the agreement mistake
families
show examples
 that involve working
mom
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moms
show examples
 and
dad
Fix the agreement mistake
dads
show examples
 influence the way they
rise
Correct your spelling
raise
show examples
 their
children
.
Parents
 will spend almost all day to earn money.
As a result
, they will find a way to make their
children
 enjoy their activities without them with equipment
such
 as
smartphone
Fix the agreement mistake
smartphones
show examples
.
This
 way,
however
Add the comma(s)
however,
show examples
 can make their
children
 feel lonely.
Children
 will not have someone that they can talk to and share anything about their
feeling
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feelings
show examples
. Indeed smartphone contains
lot
Change the article
a lot
show examples
 of applications that provide games and videos that
mostly
Correct your spelling
most
show examples
 offspring
loved
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love
show examples
 but those cannot serve their emotional needs which just can
fullfill
Wrong verb form
be fulfilled
show examples
 by
parents
 in person.
Consequently
, they will think that no one
care
Change the verb form
cares
show examples
 about them and they just live by
their self
Correct pronoun usage
themself
themselves
show examples
.
In addition
, letting
children
 use their
phone
Fix the agreement mistake
phones
show examples
 all day may damage their
relation
Replace the word
relationship
show examples
 with their
parents
. It can make them
adictive
Correct your spelling
addictive
 and forget about
people
Correct article usage
the people
show examples
 around them.
As a result
, they will hard to follow their parent's
instruction
Fix the agreement mistake
instructions
show examples
 or even worst they do not want to do anything
beside
Replace the word
besides
show examples
 keep looking
on
Change preposition
at
show examples
 their screen.
This
 can result in
parent's
Fix the agreement mistake
parents'
show examples
 anger and potentially emerge an
unconvinient
Correct your spelling
inconvenient
 situation
btween
Correct your spelling
between
 them. Giving
smartphone
Fix the agreement mistake
smartphones
show examples
for
Change preposition
to
show examples
children
 may
a
Add a missing verb
be a
show examples
great solution for busy
parents
 but
i
Change the capitalization
I
show examples
 think it can cause
to
Change preposition
apply
show examples
loneliness and
worst
Replace the word
worse
show examples
relationship
Fix the agreement mistake
relationships
show examples
.
Submitted by misstiasclassroom on

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coherence cohesion
Consider organizing your essay into clear paragraphs, each with a distinctive main idea that is developed and explained throughout the paragraph. Use connecting words to improve the essay's flow and demonstrate clear logical progression of ideas.
coherence cohesion
Ensure that the introduction presents the topic and your position clearly. The conclusion should effectively summarize the main points without introducing new information. Both the introduction and conclusion need to be concise and contribute to the overall coherence of the essay.
coherence cohesion
Develop the main points of your argument with relevant details and examples. Each main point should be clearly stated and followed by supporting sentences that elaborate on the idea presented.
task achievement
Ensure that your essay fully responds to all parts of the question and that your position is clear throughout the response. It is important to address why children spend hours on their smartphones and to evaluate whether this is a positive or negative development by providing a well-reasoned argument.
task achievement
Your writing should include clear, comprehensive ideas that are relevant to the prompt. Work on articulating your thoughts more clearly and avoiding repetition or unclear statements. Aim for precision and conciseness in your language.
task achievement
Relevant examples from personal experience or external sources can effectively support your position. Incorporate specific, detailed examples that are directly related to the points you are making in your essay.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • smartphones
  • usage
  • technology
  • accessibility
  • convenience
  • entertainment
  • gaming
  • social media
  • communication
  • educational resources
  • addiction
  • dependence
  • negative effects
  • physical health
  • mental health
What to do next:
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