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Writing Samples
Band 6.5

Most people in the world have to work to earn a living. However, many people work only for the financial gain that it involves, and not for any other rewards that a job can offer. What do you think the main considerations when deciding what job to take should be?

Having a suitable career is a must for all individuals.
While
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 some opine that making
money
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 is what having an occupation is all about, in my view, opting for a suitable
job
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 is a complicated issue, which depends on a wide variety of factors ranging from interest and gender to characteristics and making
money
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. On the one hand,
money
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 goes a long way in
this
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 modern era. To clarify, in
this
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 materialistic life, everyone is suffering from an epidemic disease called
money
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 worship.
In other words
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, to develop an independent life, we have no other option but to earn
money
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, so it is no wonder that many place a high value on the way they can create financial safety.
This
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 allows them to stand on their own feet rather than relying on others.
On the other hand
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, many people
prioritize
Change the spelling
prioritise
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 their satisfaction over financial matters. They strongly believe that doing something that can make them up to maximum happy is much more important than having a lot of
money
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.
According to
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 research conducted by a top-rated university in my country, Iran, having a source of income does not necessarily mean they are happy. If a
job
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 can not make them satisfied, it cannot fulfil a sense of accomplishment for them, even if they can have a lot of
money
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.
Moreover
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, interest plays an important role in choosing an occupation for some. They are of the opinion that when someone loves their
job
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, nothing can quench their thirst for interest in progressing more and more. In conclusion,
although
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money
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 is an inseparable part of our lives in
this
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 modern world, I strongly believe that creating a budget is not enough for many to choose a
job
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 for the rest of their life.
Hence
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, if they cannot enjoy their working hours, they cannot stand their source of income just for the sake of meeting their daily needs.

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improve
Plan your essay. Write a short plan first with 2 or 3 main ideas. Then write about each idea in one paragraph.
improve
Stay on the task. Tell the main things to think about when choosing a job, such as fit with your work, hours, growth, and balance with money.
improve
Use clear links. Use words like 'first', 'also', 'but', 'so' to show why and how ideas are linked.
language
Check grammar. Watch for verb form, subject and plural in the same sentence.
example
Give one or two clear examples that fit the point you make.
structure
The essay shows two sides and has your view.
structure
There is an intro and a conclusion.
cohesion
Some good links are used to join ideas.
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