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Writing Samples
Band 5.5

Some children spend hours every day on their smartphones. Why is this the case? Do you think this is a positve or a negative development?

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Nowadays, society believes that many
children
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 have spent most of their
time
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 in a day using phones, whether it is smartphones or androids.
This
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 phenomenon happens probably because of the lack of
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parents
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parental
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 invigilation and less of outdoor activities provided by the school. Personally, I think
this
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 issue brings more negative development than positive ones dealing with
children
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's character building and health problems. First and foremost, most youngsters spend a great deal
time
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 of playing with smartphones because
parents
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 give little to them. These
parents
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 probably spent their days working hard to earn money and forgot to nurture their
children
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. Take as an example, many
parents
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 who work in urban areas will leave their
children
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 without invigilation at home and free them to access the internet.
This
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then
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 leads the
children
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 to access Netflix for finding interesting movies, or even worst leads them t access porn movies. another reason can be there
is little
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are
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 extracurriculars provided by the learning institution which let
children
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 have more interaction with their friends. When the
time
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 comes to go back home, these
children
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 will be confused about what activities they shall do at home.
while
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 they are still underage and have no permission from their
parents
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 to go outside.
this
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 problem will lead these youngsters to make agreements with their friends to spend their
time
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 playing mobile games
such
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 as Free Fire, PUBG, mobile legends, and so on.
Consequently
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, they will spend the entire day playing games and communicating with friends through mobiles. In my opinion,
this
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 issue leads to negative improvement in
children
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's growth especially in their character development. If
this
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 phenomenon continuously happens, it may cause the
children
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 will grow to become an introvert. They will find it convenient to socialise through mobiles and avoid having interactions with other people.
This
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 problem will
also
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 cause a few dangerous diseases suffered by
children
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such
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 as early stroke because of radiation resulting from phone usage.
To sum up
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, I believe that youngsters should not spend days only interacting through smartphones, neither playing games, watching movies or other activities. If
this
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 activity continues to happen,
then
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 it will have a negative impact on
children
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's growth and their health
issue
Fix the agreement mistake
issues
show examples
.

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Coherence and Cohesion
The essay has a basic structure with an introduction, body paragraphs and a conclusion, but it lacks a varied sentence structure and appropriate paragraphing, which impacts negatively on coherence. Ensure each paragraph has a clear main idea and the supporting sentences are well-developed and clearly connected to the main idea.
Task Achievement
While you have addressed the topic, the arguments presented are not fully extended or well supported by specific examples. Your task response would benefit from a more in-depth exploration of the ideas, with clearer examples and explanations to illustrate the arguments. Consider expanding on the reasons why children spend hours on their smartphones, and explore both the positive and negative ramifications more thoroughly to provide a balanced view.
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