IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 4.5

Without capital punishment (the death penalty) our lives are less secure and crimes of violence increase. Capital punishment in essential to control violence in society. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this opinion?

#punishment #death #penalty #lives #crimes #violence #control #society
Opinions on the death penalty, which has
ben
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been
show examples
 widely applied throughout history, have shown a significant change with the development and progress of societies.
While
the
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apply
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execution was imposed on many criminal acts in the past, today
this
punishment
 has been removed from the laws in many
countries
, especially in European
countries
. In my view, the death penalty can be imposed for some serious offences, but not for all. In
this
 essay, I will explain
this
 view with examples.
Firstly
, I believe that there are various ways in which criminals may be punished
instead
 of being killed
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 and that these punishments should be based on the gravity of the offence committed by the person.
For example
, convicts who commit major acts should be death or imprisoned
fort he
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for the
show examples
 rest of their lives. In
this
 way, a person who
like
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likes
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 that
this
 person will analyse their actions and
behavior
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behaviour
show examples
 and become aware of the harm they have caused to society.
On the other hand
, some
countries
 impose
the
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apply
show examples
capital
punishment
 on people because of religious requirements,
for instance
 in Iran, a woman can receive
this
punishment
 because she does not cover her head.
This
 method of
punishment
that
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
does not respect human thought and belief.
Secondly
, a
punishment
 without deterrence and
an
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a
show examples
rigidityaimed
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rigidity aimed
 at violence will make society prone to violence.
For example
, the crime rate in the United States, one of the
countries
 where the penalty is most widely used, is much higher than in many other
countries
. In conclusion, capital
punishment
 is a debatable issue and have strong views on both sides. Taking prompt actions can
be declined
Wrong verb form
reduce
show examples
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
violent crimes.
Submitted by dytayseozgul on

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coherence cohesion
Regarding coherence and cohesion, the essay lacks a robust structure which makes it challenging to follow. Ideas and paragraphs should be more logically organized with clearer topic sentences and concluding sentences for each paragraph. There seems to be a disconnect between them. Using a wider range of linking words and phrases would improve the flow of the essay.
task achievement
The essay provides a response to the task at hand, but the development of ideas is somewhat limited, occasionally unclear or irrelevant. More focused and elaborated arguments, demonstrating a full understanding of the topic, are required. Ensure that all parts of the task are addressed and that examples are specific and directly relevant to the points being made.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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