IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Without capital punishment (the death penalty) our lives are less secure and crimes of violence increase. Capital punishment in essential to control violence in society. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this opinion?

✨ Do you want to improve your IELTS writing?
Opinions on the death penalty, which has
ben
Correct your spelling
been
show examples
 widely applied throughout history, have shown a significant change with the development and progress of societies.
While
Linking Words
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
execution was imposed on many criminal acts in the past, today
this
Linking Words
punishment
Use synonyms
 has been removed from the laws in many
countries
Use synonyms
, especially in European
countries
Use synonyms
. In my view, the death penalty can be imposed for some serious offences, but not for all. In
this
Linking Words
 essay, I will explain
this
Linking Words
 view with examples.
Firstly
Linking Words
, I believe that there are various ways in which criminals may be punished
instead
Linking Words
 of being killed
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 and that these punishments should be based on the gravity of the offence committed by the person.
For example
Linking Words
, convicts who commit major acts should be death or imprisoned
fort he
Correct your spelling
for the
show examples
 rest of their lives. In
this
Linking Words
 way, a person who
like
Change the verb form
likes
show examples
 that
this
Linking Words
 person will analyse their actions and
behavior
Change the spelling
behaviour
show examples
 and become aware of the harm they have caused to society.
On the other hand
Linking Words
, some
countries
Use synonyms
 impose
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
capital
punishment
Use synonyms
 on people because of religious requirements,
for instance
Linking Words
 in Iran, a woman can receive
this
Linking Words
punishment
Use synonyms
 because she does not cover her head.
This
Linking Words
 method of
punishment
Use synonyms
that
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
does not respect human thought and belief.
Secondly
Linking Words
, a
punishment
Use synonyms
 without deterrence and
an
Change the article
a
show examples
rigidityaimed
Correct your spelling
rigidity aimed
 at violence will make society prone to violence.
For example
Linking Words
, the crime rate in the United States, one of the
countries
Use synonyms
 where the penalty is most widely used, is much higher than in many other
countries
Use synonyms
. In conclusion, capital
punishment
Use synonyms
 is a debatable issue and have strong views on both sides. Taking prompt actions can
be declined
Wrong verb form
reduce
show examples
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
violent crimes.

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site's author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

coherence cohesion
Regarding coherence and cohesion, the essay lacks a robust structure which makes it challenging to follow. Ideas and paragraphs should be more logically organized with clearer topic sentences and concluding sentences for each paragraph. There seems to be a disconnect between them. Using a wider range of linking words and phrases would improve the flow of the essay.
task achievement
The essay provides a response to the task at hand, but the development of ideas is somewhat limited, occasionally unclear or irrelevant. More focused and elaborated arguments, demonstrating a full understanding of the topic, are required. Ensure that all parts of the task are addressed and that examples are specific and directly relevant to the points being made.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: