IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 4.5

The Government’s investment in arts, music and theatre is a waste of money. Governments should invest these funds in public service instead. To what extend do you agree with this statement?

#government’s #investment #arts #music #theatre #waste #money #governments #funds #service
It is an undeniable fact that we are living in a diverse world. Every
inches
Change to a singular noun
inch
show examples
 of the world is full of new ideas and notions.
Moreover
, new generations do not care about virtues that were respected in past decades.
As a result
, these days there are myriad people who think
instead
 of spending taxes on some
wastefull
Correct your spelling
wasteful
 subjects like arts, music and theater, we should focus on public services. I almost disagree with
this
 statement.
To begin
, let's start with
art
.
Art
 is a specific way for
human
Fix the agreement mistake
humans
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 to express
himself
Correct pronoun usage
themselves
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 in a new way. Sometimes artists create
an
Remove the article
apply
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art
 just for
art
's sake.
Besides
 that,
art
 is like a drug for the humans who are living in the contemporary era. As an example, consider Frantz Kafka who was a Belgian and said I am
writting
Correct your spelling
writing
 these words just for myself. I am talking with my own shadow because it could
truely
Correct your spelling
truly
 understand me. So spending
founds
Correct your spelling
funds
show examples
 to
promoting
Wrong verb form
promote
show examples
 these gifted artists would be enormously beneficial for the future. Apart from
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
art
, music and
theater
Change the spelling
theatre
show examples
 are the other ways of making
beautiness
Correct your spelling
business
.
Further
, these are complementary to each other and could make a good combination which might be amusing for individuals who like to listen
Change preposition
to and
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and
Change preposition
to and
show examples
 watch cultured
Fix the agreement mistake
content
show examples
contents
Fix the agreement mistake
content
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.
For instance
, patriotic
musics
Change the wording
music
kinds of music
pieces of music
show examples
 and shows indicate the particular values of a society. Meanwhile, the other types of arts
such
 as literature and translation are advantageous for students and even ordinary people. On the flip side, allocating a huge bulk of bucks
in
Change preposition
to
show examples
 these subjects is irrational.
While
, all over the country is full of
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
deprived children who are starving and rarely might find
this
 chance to
have
Verb problem
make
show examples
 any progress in their
life
Fix the agreement mistake
lives
show examples
.
Therefore
,
occassionaly
Correct your spelling
occasionally
 there are some exceptions that need to
be survey
Change the verb form
be surveyed
show examples
.
Overall
,
Although
, moral aspects of life are crucial,
comfort
Add an article
the comfort
show examples
 of a country's citizens is more significant and we should not be indifferent toward
thid
Correct your spelling
this
 matter.
Submitted by tg.persian on

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coherence cohesion
There appears to be some structure in your essay, with an introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion. However, the progression of ideas is sometimes unclear, and there are abrupt shifts in topic. Linking phrases and connectors should be used more effectively to guide the reader through the arguments. Make sure each paragraph has a clear central idea and develops it thoroughly.
task achievement
Your response to the task partially addresses the essay prompt, but the full development of your ideas is lacking. You should clearly state the extent of your agreement or disagreement with the statement and consistently develop that stance throughout the essay. Aim to balance the argument by equally discussing both sides of the issue, and conclude with a strong stance supported by the main points presented.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • cultural heritage
  • cultural diversity
  • economic growth
  • creative industries
  • public service
  • community cohesion
  • opportunity cost
  • essential services
  • government spending
  • private sector
  • patronage
  • subsidize
  • invest
  • allocate
  • infrastructure
What to do next:
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