IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Many people say that globalization and the growing number of multinational companies have a negative effect on the environment. To what extent do you agree or disagree? Use specific reasons and examples to support your position.

It is widely believed that globalisation and the increasing number of multinational companies have resulted in worse
environment
Replace the word
environmental
show examples
condition
Fix the agreement mistake
conditions
show examples
. I strongly agree with
this
Linking Words
 opinion because they have contributed greatly to the increasing temperature of
Earth
Correct article usage
the Earth
show examples
 and habitat loss in
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
recent times.
While
Linking Words
 globalisation is often seen positively as advancements that make life easier and more peaceful, it actually brings serious problems to the environment. As productions in many sectors,
such
Linking Words
 as food and fashion, are skyrocketing
due to
Linking Words
 high demands, the carbon dioxide
emmisions
Correct your spelling
emissions
 that arise from these processes
also
Linking Words
 increase.
As a result
Linking Words
, our planet’s temperature is becoming warmer than it was a few years back. A new report reveals that fashion companies are responsible for 30% of the world’s greenhouse
emission
Fix the agreement mistake
emissions
show examples
 as their economic ambitions have led them to cut down trees irresponsibly, let alone other industries that are
highly-dependent
Correct your spelling
highly dependent
show examples
 on natural wealth.
In addition
Linking Words
, environmental damage
such
Linking Words
 as deforestation
also
Linking Words
 affects the biodiversity that lives around. News about certain animals
loss
Replace the word
losing
show examples
 their habitats is becoming more and more common now, and most of them are related to the presence of multinational companies.
This
Linking Words
 is particularly abundant in developing countries as
lot
Change the article
a lot
show examples
 of environmental exploitations take place there. A new report released by the Indonesian National Conservation Agency in 2020 mentioned that the population of Sumatran tigers are now on the verge of extinction as local paper industries’ large operations force them to seek new place or even make them die
in
Change preposition
of
show examples
 starvation. In conclusion, the impacts of globalisation and the
growing
Replace the word
growth
show examples
 of international
bussiness
Correct your spelling
business
 on the environment are primarily negative.
The global
Correct article usage
Global
show examples
 warming and habitat loss are just two examples out of many.

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site's author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Task Achievement
In the introductory paragraph, your stance is clear, however, the connection between globalization, multinational companies, and environmental impacts could be more nuanced. Dive deeper into how these entities specifically contribute to the negative effects rather than stating the consequences directly without much explanation.
Task Achievement
Your essay tends to make broad statements without sufficient unpacking or explanation. Future essays would benefit from more detailed elaboration on how exactly multinational companies and globalization lead to specific environmental problems. Moreover, the link between your examples and the main argument should be made more explicit, showing clear cause and effect.
Coherence & Cohesion
The coherence of your essay could be improved by better logical sequencing. Transition words and phrases could be used more effectively to guide the reader through your arguments. Additionally, make sure each paragraph has one clear main idea, which is then thoroughly explained and supported with evidence or examples.
Coherence & Cohesion
Including an introduction and conclusion is essential in IELTS Writing Task 2 essays. The conclusion is lacking a strong recapitulation of your main points and fails to succinctly state your final position on the topic. To improve, ensure that your introductory paragraph sets up your viewpoint clearly and the concluding paragraph provides a concise summary of your key arguments.
What to do next:
Look at other essays: