Some people believe that the money spend on space exploration technology is not justifiable. The money should be spent on other beneficial things. To what extend do you agree or disagree?
Some individuals think that our investment in space exploration technology is not worth it and the money should go to other important sectors which have more positive effects on us. I agree that we should focus on the real-life problems which are directly affecting our lives
such
as global warming and hunger in poor countries
.
First and foremost, climate change's impact on our everyday lives is increasing day by day.Thus
, summers are getting hotter,and drier and winters are getting warmer, with no snow. Obviously, some vegetables and fruits cannot grow well and give the best taste. Besides
, the deprivation of these products leads to higher prices and economic fluctuation in states. For example
, some sorts of fruits that can be found in Korea are getting more expensive, because of weather conditions, which make them hard to grow.
The beneficial thing where we should invest is the hunger among countries
which is taking thousands of lives. Especially, the people who are from poor countries
are suffering the most, not being able to afford food.For example
, 45% of Yemen's population is starving at the current time. So, spending to
Change preposition
on
such
countries
and those people would give better results.
In conclusion, although
, discovering space and investing in its technologies might give informational and useful results, focusing on the problems which citizens of the world are facing now would be more helpful and valuable for us.Submitted by forcookiearu on
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coherence cohesion
You have presented a logical sequence in your paragraphs, but transitions between ideas could be smoother and the internal paragraph coherence needs improvement for a higher score.
coherence cohesion
The introduction and conclusion are too simplistic and lack a clear thesis statement and summarization of main points. Develop these sections further to enhance your essay's effectiveness.
coherence cohesion
Although main points have been made, the supporting statements lack depth and detail. Provide more complex reasoning and more substantial examples to strengthen your arguments.
task achievement
The response to the task is only partially complete, as it gives some opinion on the issue but does not sufficiently cover all parts of the prompt. Ensure that you address all aspects of the topic.
task achievement
Ideas presented are relevant but are not fully expanded on. Use a wider range of sentence structures and vocabulary to express your ideas clearly and in more detail.
task achievement
While you have included examples, they need to be more detailed and effectively support your points. Cite more specific and varied data, studies, or historical examples to enhance your argument.
Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
Linking words are very important in your essay.
To score effectively on your IELTS exam, you should make an effort to implement short concise sentences coupled with linking words.
Almost every sentence in your essay should have a linking word of some sort.
In fact, the only sentences that can omit linking words are your background sentence and thesis.
Linking word examples:
- firstly
- secondly
- thirdly
- in additional
- moreover
- also
- for example
- for instance
- therefore
- however
- although
- even though
- despite