IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6

Some people believe that unpaid community service should be compulsory part of high school programs. To what extent do you agree or disagree.

#people #community #service #part #school #programs
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It is often argued that unpaid volunteer jobs should be made compulsory courses in the academic curriculum and I largely agree with
this
 notion because
such
 services develop strong social skills among
learners
 and develop sympathy in the hearts of young
students
 toward needy people. In the contemporary era, the concept of high
school
 education revolves around books only,
therefore
 monotonous academic syllabus does not seem interesting to
students
 and spending all time in classrooms does not develop social skills.
Hence
,
such
learners
 are bad at communication.
That is
 why, academic institutes should introduce unpaid community service courses which will provide opportunities for high
school
students
 to interact with citizens living around them . Eventually,
this
 initiative will result in the improvement of the social skills of high
school
children
. To cite an example, in India,
students
 of government high
schools
 are more active and good at social work than
learners
 of private institutes because government-funded
schools
 involve
learners
 in voluntary services.
Hence
, to live a good life social circle is necessary. Probing ahead, most
children
 studying in high
schools
 are teenagers ,and
this
 is the best age to teach
children
 about sympathy and charity. In detail, if
children
 will start doing charity work in high
school
 years
then
 these values will provide positive results in adult life as well because values provided to
children
 in early years of life shape their character.
For instance
, most social workers have a background where they were taught about helping people in need in their teenage years.
Thus
,
schools
 with
such
 programs will raise citizens with good moral ethics.
However
, there are some people who oppose
this
 notion as the introduction of
such
 subjects will distract
children
 from their main
school
 subjects ,and parents always show objection to courses that do not bring financial benefit to their
children
 but with economic development citizens with moral ethics are
also
 necessary.
Submitted by gill.g24 on

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coherence cohesion
In terms of coherence and cohesion, you would benefit from a better-organized logical structure. Ideas could be grouped more effectively and paragraphs should be more cohesive, which would help the reader to follow your argument more easily.
coherence cohesion
Regarding the introduction and conclusion, while they are present, they require a more distinct and clear presentation of your main argument and a summarizing conclusion that echoes the introduction.
coherence cohesion
Main points in your essay were supported, but to improve, you should expand upon the examples and explanations provided. The supporting details should be more developed and incorporate a variety of sentence structures.
task achievement
While you've generally achieved the task by providing a full response to the prompt, the depth of coverage for each point could be enhanced to show a clearer and more comprehensive understanding.
task achievement
Your ideas are clear, but you could achieve a higher score by making your essay ideas even more comprehensive with further elaboration. Additionally, aim for a more natural progression of ideas from one to another.
task achievement
Examples used were relevant, however, they could be more specific and detailed to increase the strength of your arguments. Whenever possible, use concrete and precise examples to illustrate your points.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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