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Writing Samples
Band 4

Nowadays some parents pressure their children to be successful in a specific field. What are the the reasons for this? Is this a positive or negative development?

#parents #pressure #children #field #development
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Most parents nowadays emphasize
on
Change preposition
apply
show examples
success with
their
Change the word
the
show examples
 next
generation
due to
 their own definition of "
love
" and "responsibility", yet
this
 belief may create detrimental impacts
to
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on
show examples
 our fragile next
generation
.
On
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From
show examples
 one perspective, some people demonstrate their
love
 by nurturing their kids to be successful in specific
field
Fix the agreement mistake
fields
show examples
. Their concept of
love
 is to provide the best and help build a
future
 of fortune for
their
Change the word
the
show examples
 next
generation
.
Therefore
, pushing their children to or even exceed their limits in certain
field
Fix the agreement mistake
fields
show examples
 is deemed essential to their
future
 well-being and is considered as the showcase of
love
.
This
 is often associated with emotional blackmail.
On the other hand
, parental responsibility
also
 plays a role here when putting pressure on children to
success
Replace the word
succeed
show examples
 is considered part of their parental duty.
In particular
,
younsters
Correct your spelling
youngsters
 are developing, implying that they lack the maturity to make informed
decision
Fix the agreement mistake
decisions
show examples
on
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in
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 their lives. Parents, by
then
, feel the need to guide young people to the "right track" by preparing and cultivating them for
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
future
 success.
This
 phenomenon
also
 gives rise to the appreciation of Asian Tiger Mothers which the related book becomes one of the global best sellers.
Nonetheless
, these stresses put on the kids' shoulders often deteriorate their psychological well-being, if not leading to psychological diseases. It is not rare to hear a surge in depression
rate
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rates
show examples
 among young children.
Simultaneuously
Correct your spelling
Simultaneously
, more kids are committing
suicides
Fix the agreement mistake
suicide
show examples
 nowadays.
Therefore
,
this
 development is obviously doing more
harms
Fix the agreement mistake
harm
show examples
 than
goods
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good
show examples
. In conclusion, forcing our own
wish
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wishes
show examples
 or
future
 aspirations
to
Change preposition
on
show examples
our
Change the word
the
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 next
generation
 shall never be encouraged in relation to all of the above-mentioned negative consequences.
Submitted by ardentpicks on

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structure
The essay needs to have a clear introduction that presents the main topics and a conclusion that summarizes the key points. Make sure the conclusion is clearly distinguishable from the body paragraphs.
cohesion
The essay exhibits an attempt to order ideas logically, but it could greatly benefit from clearer paragraphing with distinct topic sentences for each paragraph. Additionally, make better use of cohesive devices to guide the reader through your argument more effectively.
task response
A complete response to the task includes covering all parts of the prompt fully. Ensure that both aspects of the question (i.e., reasons for parental pressure and its positive or negative development) are explored in equal depth and with supporting examples or evidence.
clarity
Ideas need to be more clearly developed and explained. Aim to present comprehensive arguments with a more structured approach, allowing your writing to be more accessible and understandable.
examples
More relevant and specific examples are needed to support your points. Use these examples to illustrate your arguments and show practical applications of your ideas.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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