IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Some people think that the government should fund training courses for performing arts such as music, dance and arts lessons for children. Others think that they should be funded by private businesses or by children's families. Discuss both views and give your opinion. Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience.

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There are many interests and lessons that can be taken by students in the world, some of them are art and music.
While
Linking Words
 some would argue that the government ought to
fund
Use synonyms
 these activities because
this
Linking Words
 would ensure that there
are
Change the verb form
is
show examples
 equal access to all
children
Use synonyms
, I believe that there are still many people
can
Correct pronoun usage
who can
show examples
 afford it and private businesses or
families
Fix the agreement mistake
family
show examples
 funding is a better option. On the one hand, government funding ensures that all
children
Use synonyms
, regardless of their socioeconomic background, have access to performing
arts
Use synonyms
 education.
This
Linking Words
 promotes inclusivity and helps discover and nurture talent irrespective of financial constraints.
For example
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, government support for performing
arts
Use synonyms
 can contribute to a nation's cultural identity and heritage.
However
Linking Words
, I believe that
this
Linking Words
 should be taken into consideration because many people who have
children
Use synonyms
 following performing
arts
Use synonyms
 can spend their own money to be able to learn and study creative things.
On the other hand
Linking Words
, families and businesses should take responsibility for extracurricular activities like performing
arts
Use synonyms
.
This
Linking Words
 ensures that those who benefit directly from the programs bear the financial burden, promoting a sense of accountability.
For example
Linking Words
, I think that there is not any country
that is
Linking Words
 kind enough to
fund
Use synonyms
 their people to take music or dancing practices, in Indonesia, they have to put up their own resources to
fund
Use synonyms
this
Linking Words
 type of deeds. I believe
this
Linking Words
 school of thought is preferable because countries can use
this
Linking Words
fund
Use synonyms
 to focus only on their science and technology advancement. In conclusion,
although
Linking Words
 spending money on performing
arts
Use synonyms
 helps the
children
Use synonyms
doing
Wrong verb form
do
show examples
 what they love without using their parent's
tuitor
Correct your spelling
tutor
tuition
,
but
Remove the conjunction
apply
show examples
private businesses and families can contribute to specialized and advanced programs.

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coherence cohesion
To improve on coherence and cohesion, ensure that your essay has a clear introduction that sets the context of the discussion and a conclusion that summarizes your main points. Your paragraphs should flow logically from one thought to another, with clear topic sentences that set the theme of each paragraph. Use a range of linking words and cohesive devices to tie your ideas together more effectively.
task achievement
Your response addresses the task only partially. You should aim to discuss both views in equal measure and provide a clear opinion. Include more developed ideas and explore each viewpoint with more depth, ensuring that you provide more specific examples to support your arguments. Remember to maintain a balance between the two sides of the argument before presenting your opinion.
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