IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 5.5

Some people think that professional athletes make good role models for young people , while others believe they don’t

#people #athletes #role #models #don’t
It is clear that
people
 love watching sports. There are so many
athletes
 esteemed throughout their countries, and some of them even have fans all around the planet. Particularly young
people
, view
athletes
 as
role
model
Fix the agreement mistake
models
show examples
 and want to imitate the way they speak, dress and live their lives.
While
 some
athletes
 do not deserve
of
Change preposition
apply
show examples
their
role
 model status, others conduct themselves like real
role
models
 and responsible citizens. There
is
Correct subject-verb agreement
are
show examples
 a lot of
athletes
 all around the world that are really good
role
models
. There are many of them that change
peoples
Change noun form
people's
show examples
lives , and not only youngsters but adults too.
For instance
 David Goggins. He is an American retired US Navy SEAL.He is
also
 an ultramarathon runner,
ultra- distance
Correct your spelling
ultra-distance
show examples
 cyclist, triathlete,
public
Correct word choice
and public
show examples
 speaker and he
also
 wrote a book that became the New York
times
Capitalize word
Times
show examples
 bestselling book. His story from being
poor
Correct article usage
a poor
show examples
 , overweight, depressed suicidal guy to the most famous man on the planet delights the younger generation. His story teaches young
people
 to be disciplined, it challenges them to take full responsibility
of
Change preposition
for
show examples
 their lives,
to
Correct word choice
and to
show examples
 be their own
hero
Fix the agreement mistake
heroes
show examples
.
People
 like David illustrate the significance of working hard to achieve a goal.
This
 is a good example for young
people
 to follow.
However
, professional
athletes
 are not always
a
Correct the article-noun agreement
apply
show examples
good
role
models
, because there are many
athletes
 who behave like
a miscreants
Correct the article-noun agreement
a miscreant
miscreants
show examples
.
For example
, some cheat to win their tournaments or take steroids to improve their performance.
Then
 there are those who abuse their fame or power. Young
people
 might concentrate more on those sides
that
Correct word choice
than
show examples
 the sport itself.
This
 type of
behavior
Change the spelling
behaviour
show examples
 sends
totally
Correct article usage
a totally
show examples
 wrong message to
young
Add an article
the young
show examples
 generation. 2In conclusion, taking everything mentioned into account I would agree that
athletes
 do make good
role
models
 for young
people
, as long as they focus on
right
Correct article usage
the right
show examples
 aspects of playing their games
Submitted by dnm.best on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

coherence cohesion
To enhance logical structure, the essay should include clear transitions between points and ensure paragraphing logically guides the reader through the argument. This includes crafting topic sentences that clearly indicate the main idea of each paragraph, and ensuring that subsequent sentences build on that idea without deviation or repetition.
coherence cohesion
Introduction and conclusion are present and function adequately, although they could be strengthened. The introduction should explicitly state the essay's position and outline the structure of the discussion. The conclusion ought to succinctly summarize the arguments made, restating the essay's position in a manner that leaves a firm impression on the reader.
coherence cohesion
The essay presents supported main points, but the use of examples is occasionally general rather than specific. Examples cited should be clearly linked to the argument, relevant, and specific, providing concrete evidence for claims made.
task achievement
The essay largely completes the task with a response that is generally aligned with the prompt. To enhance this further, ensure that the essay thoroughly addresses all parts of the task, demonstrating a clear understanding by differentiating between various perspectives where necessary.
task achievement
The ideas presented are clear and comprehensive, affording the reader an adequate understanding of the argument. To improve, ensure clarity by defining key terms where necessary and exploring nuances in the argument. Introducing counterarguments and rebuttals could also provide depth to the analysis.
task achievement
Examples used are relevant to the argument but could provide a deeper level of specificity. Each example should be carefully chosen to illustrate the point being made vividly and memorably. To improve, select examples that have a clear connection to the young people's experience and that demonstrate the real-world impact of athletes as role models.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Essentional vocabulary list for IELTS Writing 7+

Learn how to write high-scoring essays with powerful words.
Download Free PDF and start improving you writing skills today!
What to do next:
Look at other essays: