IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6

In some countries young people have little leisure time and are under a lot of pressure to work hard in studies. causes amd solutions?

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The extreme
pressure
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 to study hard has left many young ones with a lack of idle
time
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.
This
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 situation is caused not only by parental
pressure
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 but
also
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 by limited
job
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 opportunities. A plausible solution would be reducing the stress and the government should provide volunteer work.
Although
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parents
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pressure
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 their children to excel in their studies,
this
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 burden
consequently
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 leaves them with no free
time
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.
This
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 is because the
parents
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 want their child to perform best in academics and develop unique attributes, which could aid in becoming a successful individual.
Moreover
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, the
job
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 opportunities are jam-packed, and everyone wants to have a better
job
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 in their own field.
For Instance
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, Marketing is one of the very competitive domains, so to stand out juveniles are spending maximum
time
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 studying.
Thus
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, individuals spend more
time
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 improving their career opportunities. Despite these problems,
parents
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 and government should join hands to mitigate
this
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 issue. The Birth Givers should focus on providing better guidance
instead
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 of just forcing their child to read. To explicate, the
parents
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 should stop expecting more than the calibre of the child which would eventually provide some free
time
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 to them for other activities.
This
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 will ameliorate the situation by improving their mental health and they could focus apparently on their studies.
Additionally
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, Volunteer work should be provided by the authorities, which would improve the chance of entering the field
job
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 conveniently and quickly.
For Instance
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, after the studies, a
month
Replace the word
monthly
show examples
 performance opportunity should be provided under the renowned company to accelerate their chance of getting the dream
job
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.
To conclude
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, the
pressure
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 is imperative,
nevertheless
Linking Words
, it should be reduced, and the post-graduation 2-month work should be provided to solve the issue of less
job
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 availability.

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coherence cohesion
Consider using a clearer, more formal structure in your essay, with distinct paragraphs for introduction, main points, and conclusion. Avoid informal phrases such as 'Birth Givers' and use more academic language throughout.
coherence cohesion
Work on developing a strong thesis in your introduction and a restatement of this thesis in your conclusion. This ensures your essay remains consistent and effectively communicates its main ideas.
coherence cohesion
Expand and clarify your main points with specific examples and detailed explanations. Where possible, provide real-life examples, statistics, or references to studies that can substantiate your arguments.
task achievement
Ensure your essay fully addresses all parts of the task. You should spend an equal amount of time discussing both causes and solutions while directly linking them to the issue of young people having little leisure time.
task achievement
Clarify and elaborate on your solutions by linking them to the causes you have outlined. Your solutions should directly address the specifics of the problem presented in the task.
task achievement
Include more specific and relevant examples to support your points. Examples help to illustrate your ideas and make your arguments more convincing. They should be directly related to the topic and provide evidence for the claims you are making.
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