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Band 7

People aim to achieve the balance between their work and lives. But few people achieve it. What are the causes of the problem and how to overcome it?

#people #aim #balance #work #lives
In
this
 modern era, numerous individuals decide to make a balance between their jobs and lives,
while
 a number of groups are able to achieve it. A hectic schedule and heavier workload can be responsible for
this
 situation. In
this
 essay, I will examine its cases
along with
 their solutions.
To begin
, the foremost scenario is that both parents have their personal jobs and do not have free time to spend with their children.
For example
, Recent research concludes that compared to the
last
 decade, divorce rates are higher day by day
for
this
 reason.
Secondly
, many jobs’ working hours are nearly about 8 to 10.
Therefore
, Parents do not have any leisure time to chat with their kids and enjoy with their families too.
Furthermore
, they blindly chase after the money and do not have any kind of tension about their own health or their family.
In contrast
, there are many steps that need to be taken to solve
this
 problem. First of all, individuals need to make their own timetable. If they make plans
according to
 their schedules, they might get enough time to spend with their relatives and friends.
Furthermore
, governments and companies should reduce the working hours of their employees and give some bonuses or extra paid leave to their workers, so they can go out with their family and enjoy their personal life too.
Consequently
, they will get a chance to improve their relationships with each other. In conclusion, I suggest that People who have their jobs and do not balance their lives with work have to take care of their family first. Because, Money is essential, but not greater than their family.
That is
 how some people manage these problems and some do not give importance to these categories.
Submitted by polash.kahari on

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task achievement
Your essay provides a general response to the topic but could benefit from a more in-depth exploration of the problem's causes and possible solutions. It addresses the key elements required by the task but sometimes lacks specific detail and development of ideas.
coherence cohesion
The essay has a discernible structure; however, the coherence could be enhanced by more effective paragraphing and better use of cohesive devices. Work on linking your ideas more explicitly and using a wider range of linking words to create smoother transitions between sentences and paragraphs.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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