Shopping has developed from a necessary activity to a kind of entertainment. To what extent do you agree or disagree?
Nowadays, there are numerous
people
who has
done shopping activity not just Change the verb form
have
for
Change preposition
to
fulfill
their necessary goods but as a kind of entertainment . In my opinion, I agree with Change the spelling
fulfil
this
statement because shopping will help us to relax after a long hour work
. In Change preposition
of work
this
essay, I will examine all the relevant opinions based on factual premises.
There are several agreements to this
statements
. The most prominent one is that shopping as a retail therapy can serve as Fix the agreement mistake
statement
stress
reliever to Add an article
a stress
people
. In this
situation, most of
Change preposition
apply
the
women get easily Correct article usage
apply
stress
with their Wrong verb form
stressed
routinity
especially if they have children at home, shopping Correct your spelling
routine
routinely
mall
have a big role Fix the agreement mistake
malls
to help
them Change preposition
in helping
pursuit
leisure. Replace the word
pursue
Moreover
, in recent years, shopping is not just for women but it can help men and children to satisfy their needs. Therefore
, the evolution of shopping from a mere survival activity to a happiness pursuit,
is necessary.
Nowadays, shopping is Remove the comma
apply
more
easier because of the new online platform, Change the word
apply
people
can open the shopping online application, choose products that they want and pay Change preposition
for it
it
with numerous convenience. The advertising and all the convenience have Correct pronoun usage
them
offering
Wrong verb form
offered
people
to be more consume
than before.
Replace the word
consumers
Moreover
, the
media social has been changing to Correct article usage
apply
advertising
platform Add an article
an advertising
to
a new product.
In conclusion, shopping has already evolved from providing the necessary product to help other Change preposition
for
people
to pursuit
entertainment. There are merits and demerits to Replace the word
pursue
this
kind of evolve
. Replace the word
evolution
However
, If it can bring happiness to a lot of people
, it would be worth
.Correct pronoun usage
worth it
Submitted by gladysdharmawan1994 on
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coherence cohesion
The essay lacks clear logical structure, with ideas jumping from one to another without clear connections or transitions. Introduce your ideas in a more organized manner. Use linking words and paragraphs to guide the reader through your arguments coherently.
coherence cohesion
You have attempted to introduce the topic and provide a conclusion, but both need to be more developed and clearer. Ensure that your introduction presents the topic and your viewpoint succinctly and that your conclusion effectively summarizes the main points of the essay without introducing new information.
coherence cohesion
Main points are presented but not well-supported with specific examples or evidence. Develop each main idea with detailed examples or data to strengthen your arguments and make them more persuasive.
task achievement
While the essay addresses the task, the response is not completely developed. Make sure to cover all parts of the task, and develop your ideas fully to meet the requirements. Refrain from making generalizations without substantial support.
task achievement
Although some ideas are present, they need to be more clear and comprehensive. Expand on your ideas and explain them in greater detail. Avoid overly broad statements and ensure that each paragraph has a clear main idea.
task achievement
There is a lack of relevant and specific examples to illustrate your points. Include concrete examples, statistics, or real-life situations that directly relate to your argument to enhance the strength of your essay.
Fully explain your ideas
To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).
For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:
- Paragraph 1 - Introduction
- Sentence 1 - Background statement
- Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
- Sentence 3 - Thesis
- Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
- Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
- Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
- Sentence 2 - Example
- Sentence 3 - Discussion
- Sentence 4 - Conclusion
- Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
- Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
- Sentence 2 - Example
- Sentence 3 - Discussion
- Sentence 4 - Conclusion
- Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
- Sentence 1 - Summary
- Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
- Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation
Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.