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Band 3.5

Some people say the main way to be happy in life is to have a lot of money. How might having a lot of money make people happy? What other things in life can make people happy?

#people #life #money
Some folks view
happiness
 By being wealthy,
While
happiness
 can be measured by other things like success in success in work -
life
 and so on.
This
 essay will shed light on
this
 phenomenon. People believe that materialistic things
such
 as. Purchased fashion And trending attires , living
leisurely
Correct article usage
a leisurely
show examples
life
 and travelling around the world would bring
happiness
 to their lives.
Additionally
, becoming a wealthy person could put you in a high position in society which leads to feeling convenience and comfort. Unfortunately, nowadays gangster have been racing on concern from their parents that the happiest
life
 comes from money .So
this
 is an example of bad thoughts that are inherited by the next generation.
On the contrary
, there are several things that bring joy to our
life
Fix the agreement mistake
lives
show examples
 rather than money .
firstly
, the achievements of the individual even if it is simple will bring fulfilment and
happiness
.
Secondly
,the success in different aspects of
life
for instance
, in the professional aspect , promotion,increased income- salaries and high appreciation in the workplace. Another aspect is the personnel’s
life
 which
have
Change the verb form
has
show examples
 lovely children
with
Correct word choice
and with
show examples
 merciful wife all of those are delightful . In
Sum up
Correct your spelling
sum
show examples
,There is doubt about How people can believe in
happiness
 and
could
Wrong verb form
can
show examples
 be measured
according to
 individual concerns.
Submitted by enasawad68 on

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Task Achievement
Your essay addresses the topic but at times, the response veers off-topic or becomes unclear due to grammatical errors and awkward phrasing. To improve clarity, focus on the simplicity and accuracy of language.
Coherence and Cohesion
Your arguments are somewhat organized, but the essay lacks clear progression due to abrupt transitions and inconsistent topic maintenance. Use well-structured paragraphs and connective words to improve the flow of your essay.
Task Achievement
Your essay provides some support for your main points, but the examples lack specificity and are at times irrelevant. To strengthen your essay, use concrete examples that directly relate to the topic.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • Financial security
  • Basic needs
  • Comfort
  • Luxury
  • Freedom
  • Altruistic
  • Philanthropy
  • Nurturing relationships
  • Fulfillment
  • Sense of accomplishment
  • Physical well-being
  • Spiritual beliefs
  • Community involvement
  • Gratitude
  • Mindfulness
  • Simple pleasures
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