IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 4.5

Some people say that all secondary and higher secondary school students should be taught how to manage money as it an important like skill. do you agree or disagree with this statement?

#people #school #students #money #skill
Although
 financial
management
 or
money
management
 is very vast with multiple concepts still I believe that the basics should be
atleast
Correct your spelling
at least
 taught to all higher secondary schools. I will discuss my views in upcoming paragraphs
enlighting
Verb problem
enlightening
show examples
 my purpose for
same
Correct article usage
the same
show examples
.
Money
management
 is not just a learning but a skill which every child should gain at
right
Correct article usage
the right
show examples
 point of age. When they'll learn various concepts of savings and returns on investment, they will
eager
Add a missing verb
be eager
show examples
 to practice in real life and will stop spending recklessly. To justify, many international countries teach
money
 and its
concepta
Correct your spelling
concept
concepts
 as a mandatory subject to secondary school students and
also
 give them some live projects to demonstrate
there
Correct your spelling
their
show examples
 learning.
This
 helps
tp
Correct your spelling
to
show examples
 make them more responsible and smart.
Moreover
, it will not make them responsible but would boost the economy of
nation
Add an article
the nation
show examples
alongside
Correct word choice
and
show examples
 it will help to lower
down
Change preposition
apply
show examples
the crime rates in
nation
Add an article
the nation
show examples
. Financial
instatbility
Correct your spelling
instability
 is majorly a root cause of many crimes which are
happeniing
Correct your spelling
happening
 on
daily
Correct article usage
a daily
show examples
 basis. To support it, a survey was conducted by the
student
Fix the agreement mistake
students
show examples
 of law
of
Change preposition
at
show examples
 LPU University which was suggestive of around 54%crime is executed
due to
 financial crisis.
Furthermore
, an additional subject will definitely add many knowledgeable strategies on
money
 circulation and its optimum utilization in order to avoid any wastage. To
examplify
Correct your spelling
exemplify
, the subject includes topics
such
 as
money
 flow and sources of funds which were actually implemented by one of my
friend
Change to a plural noun
friends
show examples
 and tend to
find
Verb problem
result
show examples
out
Change preposition
in
show examples
 low wastage of funds and increased savings. All in
all
Add a comma
all,
show examples
 learning is a continous process
and
Correct word choice
apply
show examples
so
do
Wrong verb form
doing
show examples
right
Add an article
the right
show examples
 thing at
right
Correct article usage
the right
show examples
 time is
also
 equally important. I firmly believe that
money
management
 should be taught to secondary and higher secondary school students for individual benefit and personal growth only.
Submitted by plkkhati on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

coherence cohesion
Ensure that each paragraph has a clear main idea and is well-developed with supporting details.
coherence cohesion
Link ideas with cohesive devices such as transition words or phrases to achieve better flow and clarity in your writing.
task achievement
Focus on fulfilling the task completely by addressing all parts of the prompt evenly and demonstrating a clear position throughout your essay.
task achievement
Make sure your ideas are not only relevant but also fully extended and elaborated upon to provide a comprehensive response to the question.
task achievement
Use specific examples to illustrate your points, and ensure these examples are relevant and strengthen your argument.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: