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Band 2.5

Today more and more people are overweight than before. What in your opinion are the primary causes of this. What are main affects of this epidemic.

#people #epidemic
It is crystal clear that
nowdays
Correct the word
nowadays
show examples
 people have
problem
Fix the agreement mistake
problems
show examples
 with their weight and
this
 issue causes a
lot
 of
problem
Change to a plural noun
problems
show examples
.I am inclined to the opinion that it will cause a
lot
 of
problem
Change to a plural noun
problems
show examples
 which I will explain more in
this
 essay .
Firstly
 in the real of silence it is a health matter that can cause astronomically problems
.when
Correct your spelling
When
 a
person
 is fat they can not live a normal life ; inasmuch as they have a
lot
 of difficulty even in their walking,
for example
 when a
person
 is overweight they do not have enough energy to do their routine work of the day ;
thus
,they are always late for everything in their life.In
counclusion
Correct your spelling
conclusion
,being fat will
appear
Verb problem
cause
show examples
 a
lot
 of difficulties in a
person
Change noun form
person's
show examples
 existence .
Secondly
 ,from a social stand
poin
Correct your spelling
point
 when
some one
Correct your spelling
someone
show examples
became
Wrong verb form
becomes
show examples
 overweight they will lose their confidence to appear in public so they become isolated .To shed light on that I had a cousin who was fat ,
therefore
 we never
see
Wrong verb form
saw
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 him
in
Change preposition
at
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 family gatherings and
finally
Add a comma
finally,
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 he
cammited
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committed
suisaid
Correct your spelling
said
 and
deid
Correct your spelling
died
did
 .
thus
 ,by becoming fat a
person
 will be alone for the rest of their time. In
conclusion
Add a comma
conclusion,
show examples
 being overweight can affect a
person
Change noun form
person's
show examples
 life brutally and that
person
 will be alone
Correct your spelling
forever
show examples
for ever
Correct your spelling
forever
show examples
 so I am totally against
this
 phenomenon that human
being
Fix the agreement mistake
beings
show examples
 are facing these days
Submitted by sajad.bazdar.2012 on

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coherence cohesion
Your essay lacks a clear structure which is evident through abrupt transitions and disconnected ideas. It's essential to plan your essay which typically includes an introduction, body paragraphs (each with a single clear idea), and a conclusion. Each paragraph should start with a topic sentence followed by supporting sentences and a concluding sentence.
coherence cohesion
Be sure to use cohesive devices like linking words and synonyms correctly. This helps in achieving logical flow and connection between sentences and paragraphs. Without them, the essay feels disjointed.
task achievement
Your response to the task is incomplete. The task requires discussing the primary causes of obesity and its main effects; however, your essay primarily focuses on the effects and neglects an in-depth discussion of the causes. Ensure that all parts of the prompt are addressed fully for a higher score.
task achievement
You should aim to express your ideas clearly and accessibly. This includes using appropriate paragraphing, sentence structure, and vocabulary. Avoid overly complex sentences if they compromise clarity.
task achievement
Supporting examples are essential in illustrating your points but they need to be relevant and well-explained. The example given about your cousin is pertinent but is too briefly discussed and not sufficiently explored to support your argument effectively.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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