IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6

some people say that internet should be regulated. others are against any forms of internet censorship. Discuss both these views and give your opinion.

#people #internet #forms #censorship
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In
this
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 contemporary era,
while
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 proponents and I are of the belief that
internet
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access
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 should be restricted to protect minors from being exposed to improper substances, opponents argue that humans should have unlimited
access
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 to the
internet
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 because it is their
right
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. On one hand, a myriad of people hold the view that
internet
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 users should be given absolute liberty to use online services without any restriction.
In other words
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, for the vast majority of people, it is a fundamental
right
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 to post, share, and use various
websites
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 without being restrained because
otherwise
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 , they will be deprived of their freedom to have unlimited
access
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 to online applications and
this
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 is against the Declaration of Human
Right
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 which insures them free
internet
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access
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.
For instance
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, in Iraq, many young individuals went on a hunger strike, after the government implemented a certain regulation that prevented them from accessing inappropriate
websites
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 because they felt that the authorities prevented them from exercising their freedom.
This
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 example shows that for a huge number of youngsters unlimited
access
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 is a crucial part of their rights.
On the other hand
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, a huge number of adults and I adopt the view that the accessibility to the
internet
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 should be restrained to protect minors from inappropriate materials that could affect their behaviours negatively. To illustrate, childhood is a critical period in a person's life in which a child tends to mimic others' behaviours out of curiosity without
full
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a full
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 understanding of the consequences of their deeds.
Consequently
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, various online applications have inappropriate content that might prompt erroneous actions
such
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 as drinking alcoholic drinks or smoking.
Thus
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, these
websites
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 might encourage children to imitate these actions unconsciously.
As a result
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, younger people might come under the threat of doing harm to themselves.
This
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 can be exemplified by a survey conducted by a group of Iraqi civil society activists who claimed that some children might be exposed to sexual contact and become vulnerable to being abused sexually
due to
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 unlimited
access
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 to these improper platforms. Henceforth, certain laws and regulations should be implemented to protect minors from those
websites
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. In conclusion,
after
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this
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 essay has reiterated the above-mentioned idea, I can assume that
although
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 free
access
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 to the
internet
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 is a
right
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 for everyone, protecting younger individuals from specific contents should become a priority for society;
therefore
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, governments should endeavour to endorse all initiatives to regulate the accessibility of the
internet
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.
Submitted by drfatima.abduallah on

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coherence cohesion
The essay presents a clear introduction and conclusion, which is commendable. However, the coherence of the essay could be strengthened by better paragraph division and the use of more cohesive devices between ideas. Consider using clear topic sentences and transitions to guide the reader through your argument more effectively.
task achievement
The response to the task is somewhat complete, but you could have delved deeper into the implications and consequences of internet regulation and censorship. Providing a more balanced discussion with a clearer development of ideas, relevant examples, and more comprehensive consideration of the counterarguments could strengthen your response.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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