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Writing Samples
Band 4

These days, many people like to watch live performances (such as shows or concerts) at home, either on TV or on a computer, instead of attending in person. Do the advantages of this outweigh its disadvantages?

#people #performances #concerts #home #tv #computer #person #outweigh
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Nowadays, a lot of
people
 prefer watching live shows at home,
instead
 of attending in person.
This
 essay will discuss the advantages and the disadvantages of it and will decide, whether if benefits outweigh
drawbacks
Correct article usage
the drawbacks
show examples
.
To begin
 with, there are some
substancial
Correct your spelling
substantial
 conveniences with not leaving home to spectate a particular
perfomance
Correct your spelling
performance
.
Firstly
, the cost of watching shows online is usually cheap or costs
absoultely
Correct your spelling
absolutely
 nothing at all.
For example
,
majority
Correct article usage
the majority
show examples
 of popular sports are broadcasted on TV channels, which can be watched for free,
while
 the
ticket
 to a match may cost hundreds or thousands of dollars.
This
 factor plays a big role
on
Change preposition
in
show examples
 encouraging
people
 to spectate events in their living room, since many
people
 want to save as much income, as they can.
Secondly
, it takes more effort to attend a live concert on the site. The
ticket
 buyer will have to drive their car, order a taxi or use an underground subway to get to the place, where the event takes place
on
Change preposition
apply
show examples
.
This
 is enough to discourage a part of
population
Add an article
the population
show examples
 from purchasing the
ticket
 to their desired event.
However
, there are some reasons
attend
Fix the infinitive
to attend
show examples
 an event in person. First of all, when the
ticket
 buyer comes to the site, there will be a huge crowd of
people
that
Correct pronoun usage
who
show examples
 share the same interest.
Hence
,
this
 is a good opportunity for
extraverted
Correct your spelling
extroverted
show examples
 folks to have a lot of fun or make friends.
Furthermore
, some fans see the concert of their favourite celebrity as an opportunity to see them in person. Those
people
 are willing to spend a large amount of money to use
this
 chance. In conclusion, for most
of
Change preposition
apply
show examples
Add an article
the people
show examples
people
Add a comma
people,
show examples
 it is a lot more reasonable to stay at home to spectate live
perfomances
Correct your spelling
performances
.
However
, the benefits suggest, that the idea of selling seats to a live concert is not an obsolete idea.
Submitted by alexander.vectorgs on

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coherence cohesion
The essay structure needs improvement. A clear introduction, fully developed ideas in the body paragraphs, and a rephrased summary in the conclusion are essential for high coherence.
coherence cohesion
Avoid overly long sentences and make sure paragraphs are clearly separated and logically connected with a variety of linking phrases.
task achievement
Although the essay addresses the task, the response should fully answer the question. For a balanced view, discuss whether the advantages do indeed outweigh the disadvantages as the question prompts.
task achievement
Be sure that each paragraph clearly conveys its main idea and that these ideas are fully explored with relevant supporting details.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • live performances
  • concerts
  • advantages
  • disadvantages
  • convenience
  • comfort
  • cost savings
  • accessibility
  • disabilities
  • remote areas
  • crowds
  • lines
  • re-watch
  • high-definition video
  • sound quality
  • immersive experience
  • camera angles
  • virtual reality (VR)
  • social atmosphere
  • collective excitement
  • interact
  • attendees
  • technical issues
  • streaming interruptions
  • internet connection
  • emotional impact
  • economic impact
  • cultural impact
  • revenue
  • local businesses
  • performance arts
  • digital entertainment
  • recognition
  • hybrid approach
  • digital streaming
  • archived
  • preferences
  • circumstances
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