IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5

Some people believe that entering the workplace after school is far more beneficial than studying at university. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this statement?

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Recently,many believe that attending
university
Use synonyms
 is not more useful than going to work after schooling.I agree that it is beneficial to go to work after
school
Use synonyms
Correct word choice
and
show examples
then
Linking Words
 achieve a degree at
university
Use synonyms
.In
this
Linking Words
 essay,I will explain my view with arguments.
Firstly
Linking Words
, discuss direct
entry
Use synonyms
 into the
workplace
Use synonyms
 after
school
Use synonyms
.The first reason which supports
this
Linking Words
 view is immediate income.
For instance
Linking Words
,it is generally believed that early
entry
Use synonyms
 into practical life makes an independent person.Sadly,
this
Linking Words
 is a point
that is
Linking Words
 not offered to a
university
Use synonyms
 student.
Therefore
Linking Words
,
it is clear that
Linking Words
 direct
entry
Use synonyms
 into the workforce after basic
education
Use synonyms
 is more beneficial than studying at a
university
Use synonyms
.
Secondly
Linking Words
,the argument that favours
this
Linking Words
 view is fast learning.
For example
Linking Words
,it is considered that children can learn faster than adults.
Thus
Linking Words
, it becomes clear that entering the
workplace
Use synonyms
 after basic
education
Use synonyms
 is more useful than attending a
university
Use synonyms
.
On the other hand
Linking Words
,the
university
Use synonyms
 is important for academic knowledge.
For instance
Linking Words
,it is widely known that learning at
university
Use synonyms
 is vital for deep knowledge.
In addition
Linking Words
,scientists come from higher institutes.
As a result
Linking Words
,a
university
Use synonyms
education
Use synonyms
 has more plus points than entering into
workplace
Use synonyms
 after
school
Use synonyms
.
Secondly
Linking Words
, a
university
Use synonyms
education
Use synonyms
 is vital for career opportunities.It is generally believed that high-paying jobs are given to those persons,who are well educated in a particular field.
Thus
Linking Words
,it is more useful to get a
university
Use synonyms
 degree than go to the
workplace
Use synonyms
 after early training. Despite some plus sides,
people
Use synonyms
 should take
this
Linking Words
 into consideration to make the right choice.
Firstly
Linking Words
, some
people
Use synonyms
 may get detached from
studies
Correct pronoun usage
their studies
show examples
,
that is
Linking Words
 when they start to forget some knowledge but they do not notice it, since they have to put so much effort into working.
Besides
Linking Words
,
people
Use synonyms
 cannot decide what job suits them best because they do not have any targets for their futures.
For example
Linking Words
, some
people
Use synonyms
 may feel uncomfortable with their current jobs, and
then
Linking Words
 they will make some bad decisions which can ruin their future in some cases. In conclusion,direct
entry
Use synonyms
 into the
workplace
Use synonyms
 provides an opportunity to get immediate income and fast learning.
Therefore
Linking Words
,
it is clear that
Linking Words
 going to the
workplace
Use synonyms
 after
school
Use synonyms
 is more beneficial than getting a deep
education
Use synonyms
 at a
university
Use synonyms
.After a thorough analysis,I agreed with
this
Linking Words
 statement.

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coherence cohesion
Ensure that the introduction and conclusion are both clearly presented and effectively summarize the topic and your stance on the issue. The current introduction and conclusion need improvement for better clarity.
coherence cohesion
Use a variety of linking words and phrases to create a logical structure throughout the essay that clarifies the relationships between ideas. This includes enhancing paragraph transitions to guide the reader more smoothly from one point to the next.
coherence cohesion
Each paragraph should have a clear main topic that is supported by relevant examples or arguments. While you have attempted to provide support, the examples given are often too generic and require more specificity to demonstrate a thorough understanding of the topic.
task achievement
Fully address all parts of the task, ensuring that your response provides a balanced discussion of the topic with a final position that coherently sums up the arguments presented.
task achievement
Clarify your main ideas by developing each one with detailed explanations and pertinent examples. Currently, some ideas are not fully expanded upon, which undermines the thoroughness of the response.
task achievement
Incorporate relevant, specific examples to illustrate and support your points. Doing so strengthens your argument and indicates a clearer understanding of the topic and its implications.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • Workforce
  • On-the-job training
  • Student debt
  • Career ladder
  • Academic knowledge
  • Vocational training
  • Critical thinking
  • Networking
  • Hybrid approaches
  • Long-term advantages
  • Financial situations
  • Personal goals
  • Industry demands
What to do next:
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