IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Nowadays, not enough students choose science subjects in university in many countries. What are the reasons for this problem? What are the effects on society?

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In
contemporary
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the contemporary
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 era, many young
people
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 prefer a
job
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 which can develop their talent in most of the nationalities. There are many factors
on
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in
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this
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sitiations
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situations
situation
.
This
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 essay will examine the main causes of
choose
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choosing
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this
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 and possible solutions
of
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to
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this
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 problem. First and foremost,
the
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apply
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science subjects have become
integral
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an integral
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 part
in
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of
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 our daily
live
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lives
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although
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 young
people
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 do not want these fields. The major influence on pupils is social media, advanced technology, different
type
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types
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 of movies and
unfortunatelly
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unfortunately
unfortunate
 affair of
can
Verb problem
apply
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not find a
job
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 after their graduation. Most of the juveniles
,
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apply
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 think that the salary they will receive after graduating from scientific departments is not worth the effort they put into studying that subject.
For instance
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,
according to
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 conducted by a German university, 51% of young
people
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 who have chosen science majors have not found a
job
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 and are doing something else
instead
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 of their own work.
On the other hand
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, if the main cause of
this
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 problem seems to be the inability to find a
job
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, the state has a big role to play. States should guarantee jobs for young
people
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 and provide scholarships or free course materials to encourage them.
Moreover
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, they can take children who are still in high school on scientific trips or organize events where they can meet important scientists in their country and get ideas. In conclusion, today, many young students do not choose science programs. there are multiple reasons for
this
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, but the biggest reason is that they are worried about finding a
job
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 in the future. Government
job
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 opportunities and incentive programs can re-engage students in these fields.

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task achievement
The essay does not adequately address both parts of the question, focusing primarily on the causes without adequate discussion of the effects on society. Moreover, there is an imbalance in the development of main points.
coherence cohesion
Consider using a more structured approach with clear topic sentences that introduce the main ideas of each paragraph. There is some attempt at logical ordering, but this can be improved through better paragraphing and more explicit linking of ideas.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • deter
  • promotion
  • opportunities
  • role models
  • lucrative
  • employment
  • gender stereotypes
  • societal norms
  • access to information
  • technological stagnation
  • shortage
  • skilled professionals
  • innovation
  • healthcare sector
  • workforce
  • global competitiveness
  • advancements
  • economic growth
  • public health services
  • environmental sciences
  • combat climate change
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