IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 3

some people believe that government should take the responsiblity of aged people while others believe that its individual responsibility. discuss both the views and opinion

#people #government #responsiblity #responsibility
There is some
argue
Replace the word
arguments
show examples
when
Correct word choice
that
show examples
 society believes that
government
Correct article usage
the government
show examples
 should take care of
Correct article usage
the eldery
show examples
eldery
Correct your spelling
elderly
 and some opponent thinks that
its
Correct your spelling
it is
show examples
 personal responsibility. The following essay will discuss both sides of view and present my point of view. On one hand, the authority is
being
Unnecessary verb
apply
show examples
accountable
to save
Change preposition
for saving
show examples
 their community,
especialy
Correct your spelling
especially
with
Change preposition
apply
show examples
the old one.
Firstly
, government law mentioned that aged and poor
people
 are being protected by
nation
Correct article usage
the nation
show examples
.
For example
, health insurance
in
Correct your spelling
is
show examples
 one of the most important things that
country
Correct article usage
a country
show examples
 can give to
old
Add an article
the old
an old
show examples
 population to support their rest life to keep them healthy and
safely
Change the word
safe
show examples
.
On the other hand
, some
people
 tend to believe that
protect
Wrong verb form
protecting
show examples
 old
people
 is their own responsibility.
Therefore
, aged family have to stand on their feet to
keep
Verb problem
apply
show examples
survive when
no body
Correct your spelling
nobody
show examples
 cares
them
Change preposition
for them
show examples
.
For instance
, they have to be trained to live alone at home when their children
left
Wrong verb form
leave
show examples
 them for some reason.
Finally
,
while
 some may say that
government
Correct article usage
the government
show examples
 tend to
responsible
Add a missing verb
be responsible
show examples
to
Change preposition
for
show examples
 aged
people
 in order
protect
Fix the infinitive
to protect
show examples
 them, some believe that aged
people
 have their own blame to take care of themselves. In conclusion,
however
, I believe that
country
Correct article usage
the country
show examples
 has to
responsible
Add a missing verb
be responsible
show examples
to
Change preposition
for
show examples
 aged persons as it
mentioned
Add a missing verb
is mentioned
show examples
 in our constitution about protecting old and poor folks.
Submitted by anggin.anesthesya on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

coherence cohesion
Ensure the essay has a clear and logical structure, with a distinct introduction, body, and conclusion.
coherence cohesion
Develop each main point with sufficient supporting details and examples.
coherence cohesion
Be mindful of paragraph structuring, use cohesive devices appropriately to link ideas, and ensure clarity in presenting arguments.
task achievement
Fully address all parts of the task, providing a balanced discussion of both views and a clear personal position.
task achievement
Elaborate your ideas more comprehensively, with a depth that shows a well-considered argument.
task achievement
Provide more relevant and specific examples to support your points, drawing on real-world scenarios, data, or studies where appropriate.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: