IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 2.5

The internet is a great invention that brings a host of advantages for the world population. However, there are several issues in terms of security and control of personal data. Do you agree or disagree with this?

#internet #invention #host #world #population #terms #security #control #data
The invention of the
internet
have
Change the verb form
has
show examples
 brought a lot of advantages to
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
individual
wellbeing
Correct your spelling
well-being
show examples
.
However
, I agree that there are some threats to our
privecy
Correct your spelling
privacy
. On the one hand, Life has
became
Change the verb form
become
show examples
 much
more
Change the word
apply
show examples
easier since
internet
Add an article
the internet
show examples
 was invented.
This
 helps us to organize our data more efficiently and search through them much more easily and quickly.
For example
, cloud spaces have been used to
uploading
Wrong verb form
upload
show examples
 pictures and movies which you could access
to
Change preposition
apply
show examples
them
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
via the
internet
 connection without any need
of
Change preposition
for
show examples
 external storage.
On the other hand
, there are some dangers to
peoples
Change noun form
people's
show examples
 life privacy and data which should be more concerned.
This
 is because employees who work for
internet
 companies can access
to
Change preposition
apply
show examples
the user's information through the servers.
Furthermore
, a lot of social media accounts are hacked by professional hackers.
For instance
, some years ago, The boss of Facebook company leaked all the user's information and gave
them
Correct pronoun usage
it
show examples
 to the government. In conclusion,
while
 the
internet
 could be beneficial and very convenient,
i
Change the capitalization
I
show examples
 believe several issues
are existing
Wrong verb form
exist
show examples
 in
tems
Correct your spelling
terms
 of security and personal
user's
Change noun form
user
show examples
 data.
Submitted by amirrezadelghandi3 on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

coherence cohesion
Ensure that the introduction presents the topic of discussion clearly and introduces your stance on the issue effectively. In this case, the introduction is somewhat unclear and does not set up the essay's argument coherently.
coherence cohesion
Improve logical sequencing of ideas and arguments. Make sure each paragraph has a central idea and is followed by supporting details or examples.
coherence cohesion
Check that a conclusion summarizes the arguments made and reflects back on the introduction. The conclusion in your essay, while present, could be strengthened by making a clearer statement that relates back to the arguments discussed.
task achievement
Address all parts of the task by ensuring that you have a clear position throughout the response. It seems you do agree with the statement but your argument needs to be more nuanced and thoroughly developed.
task achievement
Develop ideas comprehensively, extending and supporting points with relevant evidence. In your essay, strive for a more detailed analysis and expansion of each point you're trying to make.
task achievement
Incorporate relevant, specific examples to substantiate your arguments. Doing so effectively strengthens your essay. The examples used in the essay are a good start but could be elaborated on for greater impact.

Word Count

IELTS says that you should write a minimum of 250 words in writing task 2. If you go under word count you will lose marks in task response.

A very long essay will not give you a higher band score.

Aim for between 260 to 290 words in writing task 2. This will ensure a concise essay and will be realistic in terms of time management. You have only 40 minutes to write the essay and you need around 10 minutes of planning time, so you will not be able to write a long essay in 30 minutes.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: