In some countries, even though the rates of serious crimes are decreasing, people feel less safe than ever before. What do you think are the causes of this problem and what measures could be taken to solve it?
It is a reality that
people
feel less safe as compared to the past in several countries although
the number of people
who turned to crime is getting much smaller. I believe that the main keys to this
problem
are our memories
, which cannot be eradicated and a lack of experts who should be responsible for viral information
on social media platforms
. With regard to the solutions, it is possible to take many actions such
as increasing the number of knowledgeable people
and removing all sensitive information
from the public.
Our memories
can remember everything including information
that contains harassment and exploitation, and some states have a problem
managing the influx of sensitive information
on the Internet. The brain is the most complicated organ in our bodies and can be affected by watching videos or social media posts that are stored in our memories
and never go. Increasing the number of victims who are murdered in an appalling way has detrimental effects on society, especially, for those who are mentally ruined. For example
, there have been more than 6,000 babies were slaughtered by Israeli forces, and this
news went viral all around the world. Consequently
, coming across this
information
can have a negative effect on our cognition. Furthermore
, we do not have adequate people
to curb issues which are, generally, associated with harassment and blood videos. While
taking nearly 4 billion people
who are using these platforms
into account, not removing sensitive posts at the right time from the platforms
can foster this
problem
that people
tend to feel in a hazardous place in the world.
Regarding the solutions of
Change preposition
to
this
problem
, I think one of the main solutions is that we need to have some safe places to transfer people
to these places for training purposes for a while
. In my opinion, destructed cognition is a mindset and these people
can manipulate others into thinking as themselves. To cite an example, governments can start new rehabilitation programmes
for those who are mentally demolished to make Replace the word
programs
people
feel much safer than before. Another solution is that we need many experts who are designated to manage news on the Internet. It can bring hope as we see less exploited information
there if allowed to happen. For example
, Elon Musk understood the danger of these types of information
in his platform, called X, and decided to censor them, and they could be opened only intentionally, not randomly. It could happen only by hiring many employees in the company.
In conclusion, feeling in danger is well-known among people
in the world, and I believe the causes are not having sufficient experts and the functionality of our brains that can cache memories
for a lengthy period. However
, if governments undertake responsibilities such
as recruiting people
to curb the issues of social media platforms
and allocating subsidies to create new safe places, this
tendency can be reversed towards the future.Submitted by yusifakhmad on
Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.
Tone/Formality
Your essay tends to deviate from the formal and academic language expected in the IELTS Task 2 Writing, using phrasing that can be deemed too casual or subjective for this context. An example is the use of 'mentally ruined' and 'mentally demolished,' which are not commonly accepted terms in a formal discussion of the issues at hand. It's important to maintain a formal tone and use terms that are well-understood and accepted in academic discourse.
Structure/Flow
Regarding coherence and cohesion, the structure of your essay could be improved by clearly organizing it into introduction, body paragraphs, and conclusion. Use a range of cohesive devices to link ideas within and across sentences and paragraphs, ensuring that each paragraph has a clear central topic that is developed. Transition words and phrases can help with the flow of your essay.
Examples/Evidence
Rely on precise, objective examples rather than vague or potentially contentious statements. Your example regarding the '6,000 babies slaughtered by Israeli forces' is quite specific and controversial, which may not be appropriate for an IELTS essay. Ensure that your examples are directly relevant to the question being asked, such as the perception of safety and crime rates. Always aim to support your points with concrete and uncontroversial evidence.
Task Response
For task achievement, you have attempted to address parts of the prompt, but the development of solutions could be more directly related to the causes you have identified. Try to offer clear and practical measures that could realistically be implemented to improve the sense of safety in society, linking these more explicitly to the issues identified in the first part of your response.
Conclusion
Ensure your conclusion effectively summarizes the main points of your essay and relates back to the essay question. It should emphasize the proposed solutions and their relationship to the problems identified, rather than introducing new ideas or merely restating the introduction.
Word Count
IELTS says that you should write a minimum of 250 words in writing task 2. If you go under word count you will lose marks in task response.
A very long essay will not give you a higher band score.
Aim for between 260 to 290 words in writing task 2. This will ensure a concise essay and will be realistic in terms of time management. You have only 40 minutes to write the essay and you need around 10 minutes of planning time, so you will not be able to write a long essay in 30 minutes.