IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Some people say that advertising is extremely successful at persuading us to buy things. Other people think that advertising is so common that we no longer pay attention to it. Discuss both these views and give your own opinion.

#people #attention
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In the marketing field, advertising is a step known to have the purpose of engaging
people
 to the
products
. The goal of every
ads
Change to a singular noun
ad
show examples
 is to be able to convert
this
 engagement into sales, where
people
 make purchases. Some
people
 believe that
advertisement
Fix the agreement mistake
advertisements
show examples
 will help the brand gain bigger sales.
However
 as it has become more common, it does not have that much impact now. Personally, I believe the different views of
advertisement
 today are both valid because of some reasons which will be
furtherly
Rephrase
further
show examples
 explained in
this
 essay. In the old times,
products
 or campaigns were usually introduced through limited ways or modes, mostly through radio, billboard, or TV.
This
 used to be an impactful move to raise
people
’s awareness towards the brand and
finally
 buy the
products
.
For example
, putting a sportswear ad after a sports game on TV would persuade the audience to make their purchases. Another example is when we, as the audience, see an instant seasonings ad after a cooking show.
This
types
Fix the agreement mistake
type
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 of
advertisement
 will surely have a significant influence on
people
 because it is shown in the right situation where
people
 are already engaged in the context.
However
, in the social media era
now
Rephrase
apply
show examples
, the advertising mode has
became
Change the verb form
become
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 more varied. Sometimes, it could even be “annoying” for some
people
 because once they are engaged with the ads, it will follow them everywhere. Let’s take an example of F&B
products
. Occasionally, we need to find where to get a delicious good-looking birthday cake through the Internet. The search engine will surely
gives
Change the verb form
give
show examples
 us many options for us to choose
, but
Change preposition
from, but
show examples
 they will
also
 record our interest in the product that we just looked up.
As a result
, we will keep getting ads from bakery shops that meet our interest for a
while
, like a day or more. Those bakery shops will probably haunt us
in
Change preposition
on
show examples
 whatever online platforms we open.
According to
 the two POVs, I respectfully understand why some
people
 think that
advertisement
 is not as impactful as it used to be in the past. At the same time, it is
also
 a good move for brands to advertise their
products
 in order to meet a wider market.
Thus
, as an advertiser, it is very important to promote the
products
 in a smart way where the audience will
get
Verb problem
be
show examples
 persuaded and the targeted sales will
be reach
Change the verb form
be reached
show examples
.
Submitted by ru.kabiru.biru on

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task achievement
Ensure a clear opinion is stated in the introduction and consistently maintained throughout the essay.
task achievement
Include examples that are directly linked to the points made and elaborate on them to strengthen your argument.
coherence cohesion
Organize ideas into clear paragraphs with topic sentences that make the main idea evident.
coherence cohesion
Use a wider range of linking words and phrases to improve the flow of the essay.
task achievement
Maintain focus on the prompt throughout the essay without deviating into unrelated details.
coherence cohesion
Revise the essay for minor grammatical errors and work on sentence structure for greater clarity.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • persuade
  • promote
  • attract
  • influence
  • impact
  • consumerism
  • commercialism
  • market
  • product
  • brand
  • endorsement
  • manipulative
  • saturated
  • overwhelmed
  • repetitive
  • distracting
  • irrelevant
  • exaggerated
  • misleading
  • desensitized
What to do next:
Look at other essays: