IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 4

Nowadays a large amount of advertising aimed at children should be banned because of the negative effects. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

#amount #children #effects
A large number of companies have been promoting their brands through advertising. It
is believe
Change the verb form
is believed
show examples
 that the bad ads are being
effected
Correct your spelling
affected
show examples
 by
youngster
Fix the agreement mistake
youngsters
show examples
.
However
, the ads are given the information by
public
Add an article
the public
show examples
. I partly agree,
Correct word choice
that publish
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publish
Wrong verb form
publishing
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wrong
Correct article usage
the wrong
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 content is given by the advertiser.
Hence
, many
children
 have been
effected
Correct your spelling
affected
show examples
through
Change preposition
by
show examples
 bad content. These types of advertisements should be banned so that youngsters
have
Verb problem
are
show examples
 not
effected
Correct your spelling
affected
show examples
. Adverting can be dangerous, manipulating and annoying. Advertising can influence
children
's
behavior
Change the spelling
behaviour
show examples
 efficiently.
Children
 may be urged to engage in unhealthy habits, try dangerous stunts, and develop materialistic feelings, among others, by advertising. 3D
games
 are
effecting
Correct your spelling
affecting
show examples
to
Change preposition
apply
show examples
the
kids
 because of the stunts and graphics.
Games
 have
made
Add a missing verb
been made
show examples
 to complete the task and young
kids
 love to play these
games
. To illustrate, in my country many
children
 have lost their lives by completing the task of
Correct article usage
the PubG
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PubG
Correct article usage
the PubG
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 game. Parents have been suffering from
this
 harmful game.
Therefore
, these
games
 should be prohibited to avoid negative effects on
childrens'
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children's
show examples
mind
Fix the agreement mistake
minds
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. Junk food advertisement is
also
 increasing the problem because
children
are
Unnecessary verb
apply
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like to eat
instant
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an instant
the instant
show examples
 meal. They
perfer
Correct your spelling
prefer
 to eat from food chains like Mcdonald, KFC and Pizza Hurt.
Although
, these
food
Fix the agreement mistake
foods
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 are delicious but
effecting
Verb problem
affect
show examples
children
's health. They have obesity problems and
anxiety
Correct pronoun usage
their anxiety
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level
Fix the agreement mistake
levels
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increased
Wrong verb form
increase
show examples
. Physical activity has gone down and they are not active.
Consequently
, the advertisement is not only
effecting
Correct your spelling
affecting
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 physical health but
also
negative
Add an article
a negative
the negative
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 impact on mental
heath
Correct your spelling
health
show examples
. In a nutshell, advertising companies are creating
such
 content to overwhelm
to
Change preposition
apply
show examples
the youth to enhance their business. They are creating markets for only
kids
 which will benefit
to
Change preposition
apply
show examples
their business in the future. In my opinion, parents should mould
to
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apply
show examples
their young
kids
 by providing different activities
for
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, for
show examples
 example, physical sports, books reading and playing instruments.
Submitted by mobinadurrani43 on

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structure
Ensure an introduction and conclusion are clearly identifiable and separate from the main body of the essay. The introduction should introduce the topic and clearly state your opinion. The conclusion should summarize the main points and reiterate your stance.
development
Develop your main points more fully with clearer explanations and a structured argument. Use paragraphs to separate different ideas and ensure each one is expanded upon before moving on to the next.
examples
When giving examples, ensure they are fully explained and clearly linked to the point being made. Use relevant examples that strengthen the argument. Examples from personal or known experiences can be effective if they clearly illustrate the point.
coherence
For achieving a better score in coherence and cohesion, the essay should exhibit logical sequencing of ideas, clear paragraphing, and cohesive devices such as linking words or phrases. Aim for a natural flow of ideas without repetition or disorganization. Care should be taken to avoid structural mistakes.
task-response
Your essay should fully respond to all parts of the task. Make sure to directly address the prompt without going off-topic. Present a balanced view if you partly agree and make it clear why you hold that view with relevant reasons and examples.
clarity
Strive for clarity in your writing by choosing words carefully and constructing sentences that convey your ideas effectively. Avoid overly complex or simplistic explanations. Provide comprehensive details where necessary to illustrate points without becoming too redundant.
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