IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4

Nowadays a large amount of advertising aimed at children should be banned because of the negative effects. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

#amount #children #effects
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A large number of companies have been promoting their brands through advertising. It
is believe
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is believed
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 that the bad ads are being
effected
Correct your spelling
affected
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 by
youngster
Fix the agreement mistake
youngsters
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.
However
Linking Words
, the ads are given the information by
public
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the public
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. I partly agree,
Correct word choice
that publish
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publish
Wrong verb form
publishing
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wrong
Correct article usage
the wrong
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 content is given by the advertiser.
Hence
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, many
children
Use synonyms
 have been
effected
Correct your spelling
affected
show examples
through
Change preposition
by
show examples
 bad content. These types of advertisements should be banned so that youngsters
have
Verb problem
are
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 not
effected
Correct your spelling
affected
show examples
. Adverting can be dangerous, manipulating and annoying. Advertising can influence
children
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's
behavior
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behaviour
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 efficiently.
Children
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 may be urged to engage in unhealthy habits, try dangerous stunts, and develop materialistic feelings, among others, by advertising. 3D
games
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 are
effecting
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affecting
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to
Change preposition
apply
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the
kids
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 because of the stunts and graphics.
Games
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 have
made
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been made
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 to complete the task and young
kids
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 love to play these
games
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. To illustrate, in my country many
children
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 have lost their lives by completing the task of
Correct article usage
the PubG
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PubG
Correct article usage
the PubG
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 game. Parents have been suffering from
this
Linking Words
 harmful game.
Therefore
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, these
games
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 should be prohibited to avoid negative effects on
childrens'
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children's
show examples
mind
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minds
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. Junk food advertisement is
also
Linking Words
 increasing the problem because
children
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are
Unnecessary verb
apply
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like to eat
instant
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an instant
the instant
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 meal. They
perfer
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prefer
 to eat from food chains like Mcdonald, KFC and Pizza Hurt.
Although
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, these
food
Fix the agreement mistake
foods
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 are delicious but
effecting
Verb problem
affect
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children
Use synonyms
's health. They have obesity problems and
anxiety
Correct pronoun usage
their anxiety
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level
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levels
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increased
Wrong verb form
increase
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. Physical activity has gone down and they are not active.
Consequently
Linking Words
, the advertisement is not only
effecting
Correct your spelling
affecting
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 physical health but
also
Linking Words
negative
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a negative
the negative
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 impact on mental
heath
Correct your spelling
health
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. In a nutshell, advertising companies are creating
such
Linking Words
 content to overwhelm
to
Change preposition
apply
show examples
the youth to enhance their business. They are creating markets for only
kids
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 which will benefit
to
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apply
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their business in the future. In my opinion, parents should mould
to
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apply
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their young
kids
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 by providing different activities
Linking Words
for
Add the comma(s)
, for
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 example, physical sports, books reading and playing instruments.
Submitted by mobinadurrani43 on

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structure
Ensure an introduction and conclusion are clearly identifiable and separate from the main body of the essay. The introduction should introduce the topic and clearly state your opinion. The conclusion should summarize the main points and reiterate your stance.
development
Develop your main points more fully with clearer explanations and a structured argument. Use paragraphs to separate different ideas and ensure each one is expanded upon before moving on to the next.
examples
When giving examples, ensure they are fully explained and clearly linked to the point being made. Use relevant examples that strengthen the argument. Examples from personal or known experiences can be effective if they clearly illustrate the point.
coherence
For achieving a better score in coherence and cohesion, the essay should exhibit logical sequencing of ideas, clear paragraphing, and cohesive devices such as linking words or phrases. Aim for a natural flow of ideas without repetition or disorganization. Care should be taken to avoid structural mistakes.
task-response
Your essay should fully respond to all parts of the task. Make sure to directly address the prompt without going off-topic. Present a balanced view if you partly agree and make it clear why you hold that view with relevant reasons and examples.
clarity
Strive for clarity in your writing by choosing words carefully and constructing sentences that convey your ideas effectively. Avoid overly complex or simplistic explanations. Provide comprehensive details where necessary to illustrate points without becoming too redundant.
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