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Writing Samples
Band 4.5

In some countries, more and more fathers take care of their children at home while mothers work full-time. what's the reason for this? is it a positive or negative development?

In
this
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 contemporary epoch, fathers have started taking care of
Use synonyms
children's
Change noun form
children
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while
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 mothers are working permanently.
This
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 essay intends to elaborate
the
Change preposition
on the
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 reasons why fathers
are looking
Wrong verb form
look
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 after
the
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their
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children
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 and
mothers
Rephrase
why mothers
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 go to work has numerous merits for society in upcoming paragraphs. Nowadays,
women
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has
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have
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 started realizing the fact that they are no less than the man. In earlier times,
women
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use
Wrong verb form
used
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 to stay at home and look after the family and
children
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 without giving a thought about their career and life but now ladies are career-oriented and
wants
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want
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 to build their own empire.
Men
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 supporting their
women
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wants
Correct subject-verb agreement
want
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 to see their
betterhalf
Correct your spelling
better half
better-half
 growing, so they are helping them by looking after the
children
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 and family.
Therefore
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,
the
Correct article usage
apply
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people have started to believe in
Right
Correct article usage
the Right
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 to equality and are giving equal importance to
men
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 and
women
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 which leads to working
women
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 and
men
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 raising
children
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 and
family
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families
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.
Moreover
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, it is believed that
women
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 are more focussed and responsible than
men
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 so they are likely to achieve higher levels of success as compared to
men
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. I completely consider
this
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 as a positive development because everyone
have
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has
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 the right to do whatever they want. If girls are working and boys are staying home we should appreciate both of them because working full time
as well as
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 taking care of kids are equally important
task
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tasks
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.
On the other hand
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, it gives opportunity to
children
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 to enjoy
with
Correct pronoun usage
themselves with
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 their father and mother both as it is known that kids are always
more close
Replace the words
closer
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 to their mother but
this
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 will give
children
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 an opportunity to get close to their father.
On
Change preposition
In
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 the contemporary,
women
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gets
Change the verb form
get
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 a chance to know the world properly rather than just sitting at home.
Thus
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, it is a
win win
Add a hyphen
win-win
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 situation for both of them.
For instance
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, scientists believe that ladies are more emotionally strong than
man
Fix the agreement mistake
men
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,
therefore
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, they are more likely to deal properly with the outer world than
man
Fix the agreement mistake
men
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.
To conclude
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, it can be analyzed from
above
Correct article usage
the above
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 discussion that there are numerous pros of
women
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 working outside and
father
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fathers
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 taking care of
children
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 for society.
Hence
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, it is suggested to promote among people.

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task achievement
Task Achievement: Aim to cover all parts of the question, providing a balanced discussion of both reasons and implications of the trend. Also, develop clear and comprehensive ideas that directly address the question, ensuring all points are well-illustrated with examples.
coherence cohesion
Coherence and Cohesion: Make sure your essay has a clear overall structure. Paragraphing should be used accurately and effectively. Ideas should be logically ordered and presented in a manner that is cohesive, using a range of cohesive devices appropriately. Be careful to avoid overusing these devices.
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