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Band 4.5

Too much emphasis is given for education of the young. More government money should be spent to free time activity of young people. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

#emphasis #education #government #money #time #activity #people
Currently, so many
people
 emphasize
on
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apply
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studying
of
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apply
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the
Correct article usage
apply
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children.
Although
 some
people
 believe that the state should spend little money on leisure activities, I strongly believe that more cash must be spent on leisure activities owing to the fact that exercise
relax
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relaxes
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 the
brains
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brain
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. On the one hand, even though education is very crucial, it is still important for the nation to invest in free
activity
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activities
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 for the young generation.
To begin
 with, it enables the brain to relax and freshen up since the more the person
workout
Correct your spelling
works
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, the more stressing hormones
lowers
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lower
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 in the body.
Moreover
, whenever the mind relaxes, the brain is able
think
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to think
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 well
as a result
 of it being able to think properly without any tension.
For instance
, if each and every nation is able to fund
for
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apply
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free time exercises, the students will be able to excel in their studies.
Thus
 the government should support the idea more often.
On the other hand
, those who think that government shouldn't fund free time sports give their reason below.
Initially
, some
of
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apply
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the
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apply
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people
suggest
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suggested
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 that
instead
 of money going to
the
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apply
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leisure sports, the state could utilize it to construct more
building
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buildings
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 for the campuses as it
will
Wrong verb form
would
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 provide more space for
the
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apply
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learner
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learners
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 to learn
from
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apply
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. Take
an
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the
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 example of poor schools without enough classrooms, yet the nation
construct
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constructs
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 playrooms.
This
 will not only demotivate the
new comers
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newcomers
show examples
 but
also
 demoralize the teachers.
Hence
people
 should think twice before making a decision. In conclusion,
however
 much reading is vital, it should always be balanced with free time sports because it will always brighten someone's brain.
Submitted by jmeeme5 on

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introduction conclusion present
Ensure that your introduction provides a clear thesis statement that outlines the main points you will cover in the essay. Your conclusion should effectively summarize these points and restate your position without introducing new information.
logical structure
You need to structure your essay in a logical way. Connect paragraphs with suitable linking words, and make sure each paragraph starts with a clear topic sentence, followed by supporting sentences, and a concluding sentence.
supported main points
Develop your main points by providing more detailed explanations, and whenever possible, include specific examples to back up your arguments. Avoid overgeneralization and try to provide concrete evidence or statistics where applicable.
complete response
Your essay should fully respond to all parts of the prompt. Make sure you explore all aspects of the argument presented in the question, and take a clear position on the issue. Your opinion should be consistent throughout your essay.
clear comprehensive ideas
Work on presenting your ideas clearly and comprehensively. Refine your grammar and vocabulary to avoid repetitions and increase the academic tone of your essay. Avoid colloquial expressions and strive for a formal, objective tone.
relevant specific examples
Enhance your essay by including more relevant, specific examples that support your arguments. Use real-life instances, data, or references to studies where appropriate to add weight to your claims.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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Essentional vocabulary list for IELTS Writing 7+

Learn how to write high-scoring essays with powerful words.
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Topic Vocabulary:
  • overemphasis
  • burnout
  • well-being
  • mental health
  • social inclusion
  • non-academic skills
  • recreational facilities
  • antisocial behaviors
  • extracurricular activities
  • diverse interests
  • personal growth
  • real-world skills
  • intellectual society
  • undue stress
  • teamwork
  • societal development
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