IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Too much emphasis is given for education of the young. More government money should be spent to free time activity of young people. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

#emphasis #education #government #money #time #activity #people
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Currently, so many
people
Use synonyms
 emphasize
on
Change preposition
apply
show examples
studying
of
Change preposition
apply
show examples
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
children.
Although
Linking Words
 some
people
Use synonyms
 believe that the state should spend little money on leisure activities, I strongly believe that more cash must be spent on leisure activities owing to the fact that exercise
relax
Change the verb form
relaxes
show examples
 the
brains
Fix the agreement mistake
brain
show examples
. On the one hand, even though education is very crucial, it is still important for the nation to invest in free
activity
Fix the agreement mistake
activities
show examples
 for the young generation.
To begin
Linking Words
 with, it enables the brain to relax and freshen up since the more the person
workout
Correct your spelling
works
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, the more stressing hormones
lowers
Correct your spelling
lower
show examples
 in the body.
Moreover
Linking Words
, whenever the mind relaxes, the brain is able
think
Add the particle
to think
show examples
 well
as a result
Linking Words
 of it being able to think properly without any tension.
For instance
Linking Words
, if each and every nation is able to fund
for
Change preposition
apply
show examples
free time exercises, the students will be able to excel in their studies.
Thus
Linking Words
 the government should support the idea more often.
On the other hand
Linking Words
, those who think that government shouldn't fund free time sports give their reason below.
Initially
Linking Words
, some
of
Change preposition
apply
show examples
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
people
Use synonyms
suggest
Wrong verb form
suggested
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 that
instead
Linking Words
 of money going to
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
leisure sports, the state could utilize it to construct more
building
Fix the agreement mistake
buildings
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 for the campuses as it
will
Wrong verb form
would
show examples
 provide more space for
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
learner
Fix the agreement mistake
learners
show examples
 to learn
from
Change preposition
apply
show examples
. Take
an
Correct article usage
the
show examples
 example of poor schools without enough classrooms, yet the nation
construct
Correct subject-verb agreement
constructs
show examples
 playrooms.
This
Linking Words
 will not only demotivate the
new comers
Correct your spelling
newcomers
show examples
 but
also
Linking Words
 demoralize the teachers.
Hence
Linking Words
people
Use synonyms
 should think twice before making a decision. In conclusion,
however
Linking Words
 much reading is vital, it should always be balanced with free time sports because it will always brighten someone's brain.
Submitted by jmeeme5 on

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introduction conclusion present
Ensure that your introduction provides a clear thesis statement that outlines the main points you will cover in the essay. Your conclusion should effectively summarize these points and restate your position without introducing new information.
logical structure
You need to structure your essay in a logical way. Connect paragraphs with suitable linking words, and make sure each paragraph starts with a clear topic sentence, followed by supporting sentences, and a concluding sentence.
supported main points
Develop your main points by providing more detailed explanations, and whenever possible, include specific examples to back up your arguments. Avoid overgeneralization and try to provide concrete evidence or statistics where applicable.
complete response
Your essay should fully respond to all parts of the prompt. Make sure you explore all aspects of the argument presented in the question, and take a clear position on the issue. Your opinion should be consistent throughout your essay.
clear comprehensive ideas
Work on presenting your ideas clearly and comprehensively. Refine your grammar and vocabulary to avoid repetitions and increase the academic tone of your essay. Avoid colloquial expressions and strive for a formal, objective tone.
relevant specific examples
Enhance your essay by including more relevant, specific examples that support your arguments. Use real-life instances, data, or references to studies where appropriate to add weight to your claims.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • overemphasis
  • burnout
  • well-being
  • mental health
  • social inclusion
  • non-academic skills
  • recreational facilities
  • antisocial behaviors
  • extracurricular activities
  • diverse interests
  • personal growth
  • real-world skills
  • intellectual society
  • undue stress
  • teamwork
  • societal development
What to do next:
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