IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 4

Nowaways, more teenagers want to become famous actors or singers. Why do you think this is happening? Is this a positive or negative development?

#nowaways #teenagers #actors #singers #development
Over the years,
teenagers
 wanted to become
in
Change preposition
apply
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famous actors or singers
instead
 of
become in
Wrong verb form
becoming
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 professionals. It
is originate
Wrong verb form
originates
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by
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from
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 different factors
such
social
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as social
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 media, traditions and culture that could be a negative development because they are involving young
people
into
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in
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 an easy life, where
the
Correct article usage
apply
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talent
cover
Correct subject-verb agreement
covers
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 all needs and the person only needs to think
in
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about
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 how to enjoy
the
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apply
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life.
First,
teenagers
 are lazy, they do not want to study and work very hard for their objectives, they think that an actor or singer
raise
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raises
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 her hand and the opportunity is there, available and waiting for them, but it is not like
this
, successful
people
 have been working a lot for do it and they have sweat and
effor
Correct your spelling
effort
efforts
 behind them as Kevin Systrom,
genius
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the genius
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 behind
instagram
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Instagram
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, he had to study and after that working in Google for two years until he achieved knowledge
necesary
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necessary
 to do it.
Second
Add a comma
Second,
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 most of them are sure that they have a
talent
, something special but the reality is that they need to create opportunities and if they have a
talent
, they will need a lot of training
for
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to
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 improve their
habilities
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abilities
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.
Finally
, social media gives the opportunity
of
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apply
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show to the world her
talent
,
teenagers
 only need a cellphone with
internet
Correct article usage
the internet
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 and they can record a video and share
in
Correct pronoun usage
it in
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 their profiles, if the video is successful, they could be recognized by the world.
However
,
i
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I
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 think that it is more a dream than a reality, there are millions of
people
 sharing her videos, but only a few reach fame because everyone
do
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does
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 the same thing. In
conclution
Correct your spelling
conclusion
, I think that
teenagers
 who
think
Verb problem
want
show examples
 to become
in
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apply
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famous actors or singers are looking for an easy way for their lives, they do not know sincerely what
is
Verb problem
apply
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the work behind the success and famous
people
.
Submitted by natalyrau13 on

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coherence cohesion
The essay lacks a clear and logical structure, which hinders the flow of ideas. To improve, you should outline your essay before writing and ensure each paragraph has a clear topic sentence followed by supporting sentences and a concluding one.
coherence cohesion
You included an introduction and a conclusion; however, the introduction failed to clearly state your thesis, and the conclusion could be more concise and directly related to the body paragraphs. Work on clearly introducing your main ideas and assertively concluding your essay.
coherence cohesion
There is some support for your main points, but more specific evidence and examples are needed. Provide real-life instances or statistics where possible to reinforce your arguments.
task achievement
You addressed the topic but your ideas need to be developed more thoroughly. Elaborate on your reasons and discuss both positive and negative aspects to provide a balanced view.
task achievement
The ideas presented are relevant but need to be expressed more clearly. Focus on quality over quantity, aim for precision in language use, and avoid vague statements.
task achievement
The use of specific examples is limited and at times inaccurate (e.g., the example of Kevin Systrom might not be directly relevant to the topic). Include more targeted examples directly related to the pursuit of fame in acting and singing.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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