IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Some children spend hours every day on their smartphones. Why is this the case? Do you think this is a positive or a negative development?

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In the advancement of technology era,
children
Use synonyms
are
Unnecessary verb
apply
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common
Replace the word
commonly
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to
Fix the infinitive
apply
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own a smartphone
where
Correct word choice
and
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 they tend to spend
much
Correct quantifier usage
apply
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time
Use synonyms
 on that thing.
This
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 is affected by particular
reason
Fix the agreement mistake
reasons
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 and carries drawback
issue
Fix the agreement mistake
issues
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 as I will explain in the following paragraphs. First and foremost,
smartphones
Use synonyms
 offer various
entertainments
Fix the agreement mistake
entertainment
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such
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 as games, movies, and music. These options are the basic
needed
Replace the word
needs
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 of
children
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, once they know
on
Change preposition
apply
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how to play or operate those things without any
guiding
Replace the word
guidance
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 from adults
then
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 they are likely to become addicted and intend to spend most of their
time
Use synonyms
 on
smartphones
Use synonyms
.
Therefore
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, parents are required to accompany their kids and teach them about
time
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 management
on
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apply
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when to play and when to stop operating their phones.
Furthermore
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, spending hours on
smartphones
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 will create a boundary
to
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for
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 its users as they are not able to immerse themselves into the real-life community and
highly
Add a missing verb
are highly
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 likely to become anti-social.
Thus
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,
children
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 who cannot arrange their
time
Use synonyms
 wisely will
be
Unnecessary verb
apply
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possible
Replace the word
possibly
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to
Fix the infinitive
apply
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become
a
Correct article usage
apply
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selfish person and less sociable.
Likewise
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, their communication skill is hardly developed, and they will find difficulties to adjust in a community. These facts show the demerits of using
smartphones
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 without
time
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limitation
Fix the agreement mistake
limitations
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, particularly to the user of
children
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. In conclusion, playing
Use synonyms
smartphones
Change preposition
with smartphones
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 can be a
time
Use synonyms
-consuming habit
to
Change preposition
for
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the
Correct article usage
apply
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children
Use synonyms
where
Correct word choice
and
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 it will lead to
the
Correct article usage
apply
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negative effects
of
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on
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 their
personality
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personalities
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 and growth.
Hence
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, in
this
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case
Add a comma
case,
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 the parents are the main role to guide and teach kids on how to use their
smartphones
Use synonyms
 wisely.

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coherence cohesion
The essay contains an introduction and a conclusion, which is good. However, the argument could benefit from a clearer connection between ideas. Transitions should be smoother to ensure that the essay progresses logically from one point to the next, making your argument more persuasive.
task achievement
Your essay addresses the topic, but the points made are somewhat general and require further development. Specific examples and deeper analysis would enhance the argument, providing a more compelling task response. Aim for a more focused discussion of why children spend time on smartphones and whether it's beneficial or not, referencing the prompt's questions directly.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • smartphones
  • usage
  • technology
  • accessibility
  • convenience
  • entertainment
  • gaming
  • social media
  • communication
  • educational resources
  • addiction
  • dependence
  • negative effects
  • physical health
  • mental health
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