IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 7.5

Do you think women should join army or navy, expalin why

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One of the most prevalent trends in the contemporary world is the cumulative increase in
women
Use synonyms
's recruitment in national forces. Some people believe that
ladies
Use synonyms
 play a vital role in controlling crimes in the female population.
This
Linking Words
 stance will be proven by carefully analysing why
girls
Use synonyms
 are important for the brigades.
Firstly
Linking Words
, the main reason is that
women
Use synonyms
 are reliable and dedicated to their work commitment towards the nation. These never mix up with any outer people like enemies or foreign detectors. Another factor is that these are well suitable for office work and maintaining a central database.
For example
Linking Words
, 70% of
girls
Use synonyms
 are working in the Indian troops in information technology departments and those are responsible for keeping information safe and secure.
As a result
Linking Words
, many young
girls
Use synonyms
 gravitate towards troops and navy divisions.
Secondly
Linking Words
, the primary reason is that nowadays, females fly fighter planes in different countries and perform well.
In addition
Linking Words
, in some cases, if the country needs these soldiers in wars, they play an important part in looking after enemy
women
Use synonyms
 and it proves the kindness of the country towards the opposition.
For instance
Linking Words
, in the recent war between Israel and Gaza, Israel’s
women
Use synonyms
 fighters fought against Gaza and handled Gaza’s females even protecting them from any gang rape incidents.
As a consequence
Linking Words
, it is apparent why the
ladies
Use synonyms
' army plays a successful role in saving the
girls
Use synonyms
 from nasty elements. In conclusion, following the analysis,
it is clear that
Linking Words
 every country needs
women
Use synonyms
 soldiers to minimise mass care from the opposite sex people, where
ladies
Use synonyms
 can communicate with
girls
Use synonyms
 to prove war’s rules and regulations.
Further
Linking Words
, it is predicted that the recruitment of
ladies
Use synonyms
 in the army and navy is going to continue in the future as well.

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task achievement
To elevate the essay, ensure that your points are thoroughly broadened and connected. Expanding on ideas with extended arguments and elaborations will enhance clarity. Additionally, working on transitions between paragraphs will smooth the flow of the essay.
coherence cohesion
While the logical structure of the essay shows great promise, consider varying sentence structures and employing more complex linking words. This can help the flow and rhythm of the text, ensuring better connectivity between the ideas and paragraphs.
introduction conclusion present
The introduction is engaging and sets the tone for the discussion, while the conclusion effectively recaps the central ideas and provides a forward-looking statement.
supported main points
The essay presents specific examples, such as the involvement of Indian women in information technology departments and the Israeli conflict, which substantiates the arguments and lends credibility to the points made.

Your opinion

Don’t put your opinion unless you are asked to give it.

If the question asks what you think, you MUST give your opinion to get a good score.

Don’t leave your opinion until the conclusion.

Here are examples of instructions that require you to give your opinion:

...do you agree or disagree?...do you think...?...your opinion...?

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