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Band 6.5

Modern technology now allows rapid and uncontrolled access to information in many countries. This is a danger to our societies. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

#technology #access #information #countries #danger #societies
Nowadays, modern
technology
 already has involved people’s daily quite frequently and deeply. Some suppose that it is really negative to permit people to visit global
information
 so quick and convenient,
while
 I partly agree with
this
 opinion. On the one hand, there are many disadvantages caused by the
development
 of
technology
. First of all, a huge amount of fake and erroneous
information
 exists on the internet. Because of the
development
 of
technology
 and the popularization of devices, an increase of unverified
information
 is being uploaded to social media, which might cause misleading
information
Change preposition
in at
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at
Correct your spelling
a
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 short time.
Secondly
, many local enterprises are facing strong competition. When people scroll on social media, they have to watch a lot of advertisements. Most of them are made by famous global brands, which will heighten the threshold of local companies to compete with.
On the other hand
, there are still some advantages of
this
 trend.
Firstly
, It is more convenient for individuals to enrich their international knowledge. They can only click the mouse to
know
Verb problem
learn
show examples
 all the latest
information
 worldwide at once, which will benefit students in conducting their research.
In addition
, it will lead
development
 of
technology
 more efficiently. The most advanced science and
technology
 are shared on the internet every day.
For example
, local companies
,
Remove the comma
apply
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 can almost learn from any other country if they want. It will definitely accelerate the speed of
development
 of global
technology
. In conclusion,
although
 there are some drawbacks of modern
technology
,
such
 as misinformation and over-competition, it still brings many benefits, like an international view and more efficient
development
. I believe under proper monitoring and governance, modern
technology
 will facilitate human life better.
Submitted by s_syedy on

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Task Achievement
In terms of task achievement, you should ensure that your essay fully addresses all parts of the prompt. While you have presented a view and provided arguments, adding more specific and relevant examples to support your points could strengthen your essay. Illustrating your arguments with clear instances or data can help underline your stance more convincingly.
Coherence and Cohesion
With respect to coherence and cohesion, you have structured your essay with an introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion, which is good. However, transitions between sentences and ideas could be smoother. Using a variety of linking words and phrases can improve the flow of your essay. Also, be mindful of paragraph structure; each paragraph should focus on a single main idea with supporting sentences that are all clearly related and contributing to the argument or explanation of that main idea.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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