IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 4.5

People nowadays sleep less than they used to in the past. What do you think is the reason behind this? What are the effects on individuals and people around them?

#people #reason #effects #individuals
It is generally acknowledged that in
this
Correct determiner usage
these
show examples
 days and
ages
Add a comma
ages,
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 people tend to sleep less compared to recent ages. In
this
 essay, I will examine the factors that contribute towards the lack of sleep and the effects it
caused
Wrong verb form
causes
show examples
.
To begin
 with, social media plays a significant role
to
Change preposition
in
show examples
this
 problem.
In other words
, the
increase
Change the verb form
increased
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 intake of social media becomes the cause of undersleeping.
For example
, a
person
 who is on their phone all the time,
such
 as the online platform TikTok would ignore their well-being and would rather doom scrolling thanks to the dopamine rush he got and
as a result
, he is now addicted,
thus
,
slept
Wrong verb form
sleeping
show examples
fewer
Correct quantifier usage
less
show examples
.
In addition
, a
person
 who is addicted to playing games would
abandoned
Change the verb form
abandon
show examples
 his
needs
Fix the agreement mistake
need
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 to reach
a certain levels
Correct the article-noun agreement
a certain level
certain levels
show examples
 or ranks in games.
This
of
Add the comma(s)
, of
show examples
 course, could lead to a bigger problem.
Therefore
, I believe
due to
 these factors, the impact of the lack of sleep is that individuals' effectiveness
are
Change the verb form
is
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 declining owing to not having enough sleep. When the body
fulfill
Change the verb form
fulfills
show examples
 its recommended sleeping hours, the
person
 would wake up feeling energetic in comparison with those who slept under eight or nine hours.
For instance
, an individual would start his day with a lack of energy.
Moreover
,
due to
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
tiredness, a
person
's mood could change easily,
hence
, he would feel sensitive. In conclusion, in the past people slept more than nowadays. I reckon that social media has a big role
to
Change preposition
in
show examples
this
 issue,
moreover
, it
had
Wrong verb form
has
show examples
 a negative impact on
the
Correct article usage
a
show examples
person
's productivity.
Submitted by jessiraintung05 on

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task achievement
Ensure that main ideas are clearly presented and thoroughly developed throughout the essay. Each paragraph should be focused on a single idea and explored in depth, with specific examples and explanations.
coherence cohesion
Improve the logical structure by using a range of linking words and clearly defined paragraphs. Each paragraph should have a clear central topic which is developed, rather than listing multiple unrelated ideas.
task achievement
Support main points with more detailed and varied examples. Examples should be relevant and contribute to the reader's understanding of the point being made.
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