IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

People nowadays sleep less than they used to in the past. What do you think is the reason behind this? What are the effects on individuals and people around them?

#people #reason #effects #individuals
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It is generally acknowledged that in
Linking Words
this
Correct determiner usage
these
show examples
 days and
ages
Add a comma
ages,
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 people tend to sleep less compared to recent ages. In
this
Linking Words
 essay, I will examine the factors that contribute towards the lack of sleep and the effects it
caused
Wrong verb form
causes
show examples
.
To begin
Linking Words
 with, social media plays a significant role
to
Change preposition
in
show examples
this
Linking Words
 problem.
In other words
Linking Words
, the
increase
Change the verb form
increased
show examples
 intake of social media becomes the cause of undersleeping.
For example
Linking Words
, a
person
Use synonyms
 who is on their phone all the time,
such
Linking Words
 as the online platform TikTok would ignore their well-being and would rather doom scrolling thanks to the dopamine rush he got and
as a result
Linking Words
, he is now addicted,
thus
Linking Words
,
slept
Wrong verb form
sleeping
show examples
fewer
Correct quantifier usage
less
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.
In addition
Linking Words
, a
person
Use synonyms
 who is addicted to playing games would
abandoned
Change the verb form
abandon
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 his
needs
Fix the agreement mistake
need
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 to reach
a certain levels
Correct the article-noun agreement
a certain level
certain levels
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 or ranks in games.
This
Linking Words
of
Add the comma(s)
, of
show examples
 course, could lead to a bigger problem.
Therefore
Linking Words
, I believe
due to
Linking Words
 these factors, the impact of the lack of sleep is that individuals' effectiveness
are
Change the verb form
is
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 declining owing to not having enough sleep. When the body
fulfill
Change the verb form
fulfills
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 its recommended sleeping hours, the
person
Use synonyms
 would wake up feeling energetic in comparison with those who slept under eight or nine hours.
For instance
Linking Words
, an individual would start his day with a lack of energy.
Moreover
Linking Words
,
due to
Linking Words
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
tiredness, a
person
Use synonyms
's mood could change easily,
hence
Linking Words
, he would feel sensitive. In conclusion, in the past people slept more than nowadays. I reckon that social media has a big role
to
Change preposition
in
show examples
this
Linking Words
 issue,
moreover
Linking Words
, it
had
Wrong verb form
has
show examples
 a negative impact on
the
Correct article usage
a
show examples
person
Use synonyms
's productivity.
Submitted by jessiraintung05 on

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task achievement
Ensure that main ideas are clearly presented and thoroughly developed throughout the essay. Each paragraph should be focused on a single idea and explored in depth, with specific examples and explanations.
coherence cohesion
Improve the logical structure by using a range of linking words and clearly defined paragraphs. Each paragraph should have a clear central topic which is developed, rather than listing multiple unrelated ideas.
task achievement
Support main points with more detailed and varied examples. Examples should be relevant and contribute to the reader's understanding of the point being made.
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