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Writing Samples
Band 5.5

Children should do organized activities in their free time while others believe children should be free to do what they want. Discuss both views and give your opinion?

#children #activities #time
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Opinions are divided on whether
children
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’s free-time
activities
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 should be scheduled or
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children
Correct word choice
whether children
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 should be able to choose to do anything that they want. In my opinion, both views
benefits
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benefit
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children
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 in different ways, but letting the kids choose by themselves is better as they would have more fun and develop their
decisions-making
Correct your spelling
decision-making
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 skills. There are several advantages of having organized
activities
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, in terms of their safety and socializing. In case
that
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apply
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parents take control of their
activities
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, they would choose health-appropriate leisure pursuits for their
children
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 since as parents, they usually know the endurance of the
children
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.
Besides
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, if the school is the
activities
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’
organizers
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organizer
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, students
then
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 have a chance
in meeting
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to meet
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 new friends, especially
who
Correct pronoun usage
those who
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 have similar interests
with
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to
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 them.
Therefore
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,
children
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 could be more friendly and be happier in their lives
as well as
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to
Fix the infinitive
apply
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improve their communication skills.
However
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,
that
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apply
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children
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 are able to decide what they want to do would be better for them because of knowing their internal personalities and their ability
in making
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to make
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 decisions. With regard to the former, more than anyone,
children
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 have clear ideas of what they like or dislike, so if someone puts them in a position
that
Correct word choice
where
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 they have to do what they are not into, they would be reluctant to engage in these
activities
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.
As a result
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,
children
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 could have an opportunity when
finding
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find
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 their strengths and their weaknesses in order to support their future careers. Another benefit of giving
children
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 freedom is that it would automatically form a habit of making
decision
Fix the agreement mistake
decisions
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 based on their ability to distinguish between right and wrong.
Accordingly
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, they would have a higher possibility of being independent in
their
Change the word
the
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 future, and they are likely to be more confident when deciding
in
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on
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 an important event. In conclusion, in spite of some benefits
in
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of
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 having organized
activities
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, I believe that the advantages of choosing freely what
children
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 want are more significant, especially for their futures and personalities.
Submitted by mac22080129 on

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coherence cohesion
Ensure a clear logical progression exists throughout the essay. While the essay is structured, certain paragraphs could be more tightly focused on the main topic.
introduction conclusion
Make sure the introduction and conclusion encapsulate the main ideas. Include a clear opinion statement in the conclusion for a stronger finish.
supported main points
Use a variety of cohesive devices to link ideas. Despite some good use of linking words, aim for more sophisticated transitions to enhance the flow.
complete response
Address all parts of the task noticeably. You have covered the two views and given your own opinion, which is good.
clear comprehensive ideas
Develop ideas further for a more comprehensive response. Ideas presented are relevant but expand on them with deeper analysis.
relevant specific examples
Incorporate more specific examples to support the ideas. Real-life or hypothetical examples can make arguments more convincing.
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