IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 5

People continue to commit crimes even after being penalized for their wrongdoings. Why do you think this happens? How can crime be stopped?

#people #crimes #wrongdoings #crime
There is no doubt that crimes plague every
society
. The occurrence of
repeating
Change the form of the verb
repeat
show examples
 offenders is quite high which can be attributed to prejudice towards criminals and inadequate health conditions.
Nevertheless
, it is expected that
allocating
Verb problem
apply
show examples
some proper educational programs and regular checks to avoid
this
 phenomenon. Convicts who receive punishments
range
Wrong verb form
ranging
show examples
 from lenient to harsh penalties are more likely to recommit. The one main reason is that few employers are enthusiastic to hire felons because of the discrimination among the law-breakers, leading them
in
Change preposition
into
show examples
 a vicious circle of seeking
for
Change preposition
apply
show examples
jobs and making it difficult to present themselves. Another potential point to make is that there is
lack
Correct article usage
a lack
show examples
 of aftercare for those who just spent their long period in prison, resulting in relying on substance abuse and getting addicted to alcohol and drugs easily which deters
themselves
Correct pronoun usage
them
show examples
 from gaining freedom and making wise decisions. In terms of solving problems, reducing the number of wrongdoers is a privileged method.
First,
students should have all-rounded educational programs
especially
Add the comma(s)
, especially
show examples
 about laws and regulations at a young age to ensure future compliance with laws.
Moreover
, criminals must show they are capable of leading a positive life in the future before integrating into
society
.
For example
, the government should conduct some essential psychological and psychiatric examinations to determine whether they have a tendency to relaunch themselves in a criminal path or not. In conclusion, people keep committing crimes
due to
 the negative deep-rooted
notion
Fix the agreement mistake
notions
show examples
 in
society
 and an insufficient education approach leading to suffering from deteriorated health conditions.
However
, addressing these issues
need
Correct subject-verb agreement
needs
show examples
 to start with appropriate institutions and ensuring that offenders are ready to be released into
society
.
Submitted by thaobinh2207 on

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coherence cohesion
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coherence cohesion
Work on linking ideas between sentences more effectively using a wider range of cohesive devices and transition words.
task achievement
Address all parts of the task adequately, providing a balanced treatment of each part of the question. Expand on all points to ensure depth in treatment.
task achievement
Provide concrete and pertinent examples to support your ideas and statements, which helps in illustrating your points more effectively.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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