IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Some people believe that children should do organised activity in their free time while other believe that children should be free to do that there went to do in their free time. Blue point do you agree with use specific reason and example to support your answer

Some individuals are of the opinion that organising laser
activities
Use synonyms
 is essential for
children
Use synonyms
 the alternative view is that they should have the freedom to do
activities
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 of their choice .I find the first side to be more logical because of how it
influence
Change the verb form
influences
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 the immense benefits
this
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 approach offers and in the following program the reason will be highlighted. The principal course why some people think the main
rationable
Correct your spelling
rationale
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 behind organising
children
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's
activity
Fix the agreement mistake
activities
show examples
 is
that
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is
Correct your spelling
it
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 ensure they reap the true benefits of the chosen
activities
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. For many
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activities
Add a comma
activities,
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 it is important for
participats
Correct your spelling
participants
 to overcome initial setbacks.
For instance
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 , learning to play the guitar
entail
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entails
show examples
 practicing seemingly monotonous drills and enduring finger pains and mental frustration. Only
after
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this
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 stage can learners play more sophisticated songs.
This
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 struggle at the
begining
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beginning
 is more likely to be overcome with a degree for
organization
Add an article
the organization
an organization
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 in
onc's
Correct your spelling
one's
 schedule.
Additional
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Additionally
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the
Remove the article
apply
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another factor to consider
organized
Change preposition
in organized
show examples
activities
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are
Correct subject-verb agreement
is
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 outdoor pursuits and Shin-chan do not show they are
fascination
Replace the word
fascinated
show examples
 with them. It will prove challenging to force
children
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 to follow
schedule
Replace the word
scheduled
show examples
activities
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.
this
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 is because
children
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on
Change preposition
apply
show examples
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
want to engage in
pursuit
Fix the agreement mistake
pursuits
show examples
 that they are truly fascinated by.
On the other hand
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,
they
Correct pronoun usage
there
show examples
 are individuals who hold a different perspective on
this
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 matter and argue that total freedom for
children
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's free time.
the
Correct your spelling
They
show examples
 argue that organized
activities
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 if chosen by parents without concerning the child's interest.
However
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 in my opinion there are a lot of other
activities
Use synonyms
 which should be scheduled by parents or teachers. those are
once
Correct your spelling
ones
show examples
 which are helpful to society
such
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 as during Charity or voluntary works. To be more specific these
activities
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 will
educated
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educate
show examples
children
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 on the significance
for
Change preposition
of
show examples
 sharing and sympathizing
human
Change preposition
with human
show examples
 values.
Thus
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 it is necessary to schedule
this
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 type of activity for
children
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. In conclusion, after looking at both
side
Fix the agreement mistake
sides
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 of
those
Correct determiner usage
the
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 agreement,
it is clear that
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 the positive effect on their
overall
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 personality.
This
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 is as long as
children
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 are given a wide range to choose from. To ensure they are interest is high in that
such
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activities
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 will help to develop their skill and
that is
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 why I believe the first b point is stronger.

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coherence cohesion
You need to focus on maintaining a clear and logical structure throughout your essay. It is crucial to have clear paragraphs each addressing a single point with supporting details.
coherence cohesion
It seems that the introduction and conclusion are present, but they need to be clearer. Ensure your introduction outlines the main points you will discuss, and have your conclusion effectively summarise your argument.
coherence cohesion
Make sure that main points are developed with specific and relevant support. Each point you make should be followed by an explanation or an example to illustrate your argument.
task achievement
Your essay did not fully address the task because it appears somewhat one-sided, lacking a thorough comparison between the two views. Expand your coverage of both sides of the argument to meet the response criteria fully.
task achievement
Try to communicate your ideas more clearly. Break them down into more detailed points and make sure there is a logical flow from one point to the next.
task achievement
Your essay needs more relevant and specific examples to support your claims. Examples are instrumental in demonstrating your understanding of the topic and enriching your argument.
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