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Writing Samples
Band 6.5

Some people believe a high salary is the most important factor when choosing a job. Others believe that a good working environment is more important. Discuss both views and give your opinion.

#people #salary #factor #job #environment
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People
Use synonyms
 have different views when it comes to working;
While
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 some
people
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 believe that more income is the main reason for choosing a
job
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, others, with different ideas, believe that the most important factor is a good vibe in the workplace.
Despit
Correct your spelling
Despite
 the fact that income is important, I would argue that a good environment is a top priority in a
job
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. On the one hand, earning more
money
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 is always one of the individual's top aims, in their life,
therefore
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 some of them have faith in
money
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, and they want to earn it at any cost.
For instance
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, they say when you have
money
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, other elements are not important, and you can solve all of your problems with
money
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. When
this
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 kind of
people
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 apply for a
job
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, they only consider the wage, nothing else, so they may work in bad conditions,
while
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 they accept
this
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 situation.
On the other hand
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, others believe in another way. They believe when you want to choose a profession, always working environment is at the top priority, so they did not decide only based on
money
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. In My opinion, working at any cost will be harmful to your mental and physical health,
therefore
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 you must consider the workplace atmosphere. I believe that when you attend a
job
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, and it suits you anyway, mentally, physically, etc, only with
job
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 satisfaction you can earn more
money
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. In these circumstances, the environment pushes you forward,
while
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 it eats out your energy, and vice versa. In the end, despite the fact that some
people
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 have more belief
on
Change preposition
in
show examples
money
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, I would say,
Money
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 is not so important, and well mental health is more important.
Furthermore
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, one of the main reasons for choosing a profession is income, but
job
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 fulfilment is on top of that.
Submitted by mehdikarimi0811 on

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Task Achievement
To improve your score, consider adding more specific examples to support your arguments. This can help make your ideas more persuasive and concrete.
Coherence & Cohesion
While your essay is well-structured, strive for variety in sentence structures and transitions to enhance the flow of ideas and coherence.
Task Achievement
Ensure that you fully develop each point with sufficient analysis and explanation. This will help in achieving a more complete response to the task.
Coherence & Cohesion
You provided a clear introduction and conclusion, effectively framing your essay.
Task Achievement
Your essay addresses the task directly and discusses both views effectively before stating your own opinion, which is commendable.
Coherence & Cohesion
The logical structure of your argument makes your essay easy to follow.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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