In many countries, children are becoming overweight and unhealthy. Some people think that the government has the responsibility to solve this problem. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

It is a common belief that kids are being overweight and having
un healthy
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unhealthy
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diet
Fix the agreement mistake
diets
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and the
government
has to tackle
this
issue.
While
i
Change the capitalization
I
show examples
agree that
this
perception is somewhat justifiable,
i
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I
show examples
still believe that there are other factors that have impacts on our decisions. It is true that the
government
could take concrete actions to have healthy and
balanced-nutrition
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balanced nutrition
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for each
students
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student
show examples
in their schools. First and foremost,
children
are still quite young, so they do not have enough knowledge and finances to pay attention to a nutritious diet, they only eat what is given to them by their
parents
and adults.
In addition
, the
government
needs to make policies to support schools with doctors providing regular dietary
consultation
Fix the agreement mistake
consultations
show examples
for individual development.
Secondly
, the
government
could reduce taxes and prices for healthy products so people could buy more to serve a quality life.
For example
, in America, fast
food
is usually more expensive than healthy
food
, so people with financial difficulties or expanded families often buy fast
food
for their
children
, so they always are
being
Unnecessary verb
apply
show examples
overweight.
Nevertheless
,
i
Change the capitalization
I
show examples
would argue that the
children
themselves and their
parents
are responsible for
this
issue because of several reasons. Chief among these is that
parents
are the people who understand their
children
better than ever.
Moreover
, they are the ones who buy and allow their
children
to eat mainly in a day so they need to know exactly what is good for them. The second reason is that
children
themselves prefer things that appeal to their taste rather than things that are good for health and weight,
such
as candy and fast
food
. If they cannot control what they eat, not only will it increase their weight, but
also
cause dangerous diseases later on. In conclusion,
while
it is irrefutable that their
parents
and the
children
themselves need to be responsible for controlling weight quickly and eating unhealthy foods, the
government
also
should be responsible in
this
matter.
Submitted by chinguyen291102 on

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Coherence and Cohesion
Ensure that the essay follows a more logical and cohesive structure. Introduction and conclusion paragraphs should clearly state the thesis and summarize the main points effectively without introducing new ideas.
Coherence and Cohesion
Develop main points more thoroughly with well-rounded examples and explanation. Each body paragraph should explore one main idea and be clearly connected to the overall argument.
Task Achievement
Address the task by taking a clearer position regarding the extent to which you agree or disagree. Maintain this position consistently throughout the essay.
Task Achievement
Provide more specific and relevant examples to support your arguments. General statements can be improved by adding real-world evidence or data.

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