IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 3

should long term jobseekers in receipt of government benefits be made to do voluntary work so that they can give something back to the community ?

#term #jobseekers #receipt #government #work #community
In
this
 modern world, I think nothing is free, if you want something
then
 you have to
do
Verb problem
make
show examples
 some sacrifices. Some individuals say that folk who want to do long-term
jobs
 have to do voluntary
work
 if they want
Fix the infinitive
to receipt
show examples
receipt
Replace the word
receive
show examples
of
Change preposition
apply
show examples
government
 benefits. I think it's not true, which
explain
Wrong verb form
is explained
show examples
 in the subsequent paragraph. First and foremost, many
unemployment
Replace the word
unemployed
show examples
 people are wondering about long-term
jobs
 but in
this
 modern world, it's very difficult to get that kind of job. people who do not have
jobs
 become a burden to the country as they enjoy
government
 benefits without any contribution to the community. Funds
which
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
can be used
in building
Change preposition
to build
show examples
 schools, gardens, and many more places because of
unemployed
Correct article usage
the unemployed
show examples
community
Fix the agreement mistake
communities
show examples
 it's
waeken
Correct your spelling
weaken
weekend
. Because
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 they don't pay any taxes which damages
government
Correct article usage
the government
show examples
 and
country's
Correct article usage
the country's
show examples
 economy in several ways.
Furthermore
, a person who
stayed
Wrong verb form
stays
show examples
 long from
work
 or a job,
become
Correct subject-verb agreement
becomes
show examples
 less confident and
stressful
Replace the word
stressed
show examples
.
However
, if they do some charity
work
such
 as building construction or helping handicapped children,
which
Correct pronoun usage
it
show examples
 helps to build some confidence in them.
Moreover
,
this
 charity
work
also
help
Change the verb form
helps
show examples
 to learn new skills and help to build a connection with
potential
Add an article
a potential
the potential
show examples
 employer which help to secure job and stand out on their feet again. In conclusion, it can said that making unemployed individuals
do
Unnecessary verb
apply
show examples
work
 forcefully can help them to be confident and make them keep their
jobs
, which could benefit both society and the
government
. Community’s feedback
Submitted by patelprem8885 on

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Introduction & Conclusion
The essay does not clearly address the prompt in a structured way. The introduction does not adequately paraphrase the question or provide a clear thesis statement. To improve, ensure that the introduction sets the stage for the discussion to come and that the conclusion summarises the key points made and relates them back to the question.
Support & Development
The main points of the essay are somewhat supported, but there is a lack of specific examples and evidence to fully develop the argument. To enhance your essay, consider incorporating more relevant examples and data to substantiate your claims.
Task Response
Your response to the task partially covers the question but lacks a focused argument. It's essential to offer a more complete response that directly relates to the topic. Read the question carefully and plan your essay to ensure all parts of the prompt are addressed.
Coherence & Cohesion
The essay's organization needs improvement. Ideas are not always logically ordered, and paragraphing could be clearer. Transitions between points and paragraphs should be smoother. Work on using cohesive devices effectively to link ideas and ensure that the essay flows well from one point to the next.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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