IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 6.5

Some people believe that professional athletes serve as positive role models for young people, while others argue that their behavior both on and off the field can have a negative influence.

#people #athletes #role #models #behavior #field #influence
The influence of sports individuals on youth is necessarily important regarding some’s viewpoints; others,
however
, claim that they might cause negative for them. I partly agree with the former assertion
although
 the latter has some truth. On the one hand, many believe that several athletes can be role models for youth. They feel that sportsmen provide the individual with a positive attitude
such
 as dedication, and hard-working skills which are needed to be a better person in life. Having seen the relevant theories and concepts, one can acquire
this
 knowledge to himself, taking into account of advantages of those notions. Take Cristiano Ronaldo as an example, he can impart sufficient principles and how to behave both on and off the field since he possesses a positive
behavior
Change the spelling
behaviour
show examples
 that allows
people
, particularly younger ones, to behave and look at
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
life positively. These qualities of a sportsperson cannot be ignored by the young generation.
However
,
this
 argument pales in strength in comparison to the reasoning of the other view. I,
however
, subscribe to the idea which fails to be rejected that some athletes might influence negatively young
people
. First off, sometimes well-known
people
 might exhibit a range of personal negative attitudes toward the
people
 around them during the games or out of the field
due to
 the unpleasant conditions that occurred around them or as it is a habit for them. Qualities
such
 as dirty mimics, cursing, etc. are clear examples of witnessing their badly behaved spirits. There is no doubt that these unpleasant figures utterly affect them negatively since young generations have sympathy for them to imitate. In conclusion,
while
 being a fan of sportsmen can provide as they are role models with positive characteristics, we cannot reject those of negative personalities which many youths might gain.
Submitted by dturgunova2528 on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

task achievement
Ensure each paragraph has a clear main idea that is thoroughly developed and expanded upon. While you did present both sides of the argument, some further development of your ideas would have strengthened the essay.
coherence cohesion
Consistent use of cohesive devices is required. While some were used, better transition sentences and paragraphing could have improved clarity and cohesion.
task achievement
Provide specific examples to support your arguments. While Cristiano Ronaldo was mentioned as a positive example, more specific instances could have been cited, especially for the negative influences of athletes on young people.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Essentional vocabulary list for IELTS Writing 7+

Learn how to write high-scoring essays with powerful words.
Download Free PDF and start improving you writing skills today!
Topic Vocabulary:
  • role model
  • determination
  • discipline
  • work ethic
  • community service
  • charitable activities
  • poor behavior
  • unsportsmanlike conduct
  • media scrutiny
  • public perception
  • materialism
  • physical and mental health issues
  • impressionable youth
  • high levels
  • pursuing sports
  • positive influence
  • negative influence
What to do next:
Look at other essays: