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Writing Samples
Band 6.5

the graph below show the percentage of people by age group visting the cinema at least once per month in one particular country between 1978 and 2008.

the graph below show the percentage of people by age group visting the cinema at least once per month in one particular country between 1978 and 2008.
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The line graph
represent
Change the verb form
represents
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 the data about the different type of
age
Use synonyms
group
Use synonyms
people
Change preposition
of people
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 visiting
theatre
Correct article usage
the theatre
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 at least once per month. The data show about in one
partivular
Correct your spelling
particular
 country between 1978 and 2008. The information
given
Add the auxiliary verb
is given
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 in
precentage
Correct your spelling
percentages
.
Overall
Linking Words
, it can be seen that teenagers and adults peoples are more likely to visit cinemas compared to other
age
Use synonyms
 groups, which are between those years.
According to
Linking Words
 the line graph, the youngest
group
Use synonyms
 are
highest
Change the article
the highest
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 visitor
in
Change preposition
to
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 the cinema in the year 1978 which
is
Wrong verb form
was
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 near 90
Use synonyms
percent
Change the spelling
per cent
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then
Linking Words
 it was fluctuated till 2008 and reached
by
Change preposition
apply
show examples
approximately 88
Use synonyms
percent
Change the spelling
per cent
show examples
. The senior Citinez
group
Use synonyms
 had the lowest attendance which was 40
Use synonyms
percent
Change the spelling
per cent
show examples
Linking Words
then
Replace the word
than
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 it
was
Unnecessary verb
apply
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fell by 10% in the year 1988
then
Linking Words
 again rose to 20
Use synonyms
percent
Change the spelling
per cent
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untill
Correct your spelling
until
 1998 and it was stable for 2008 which was 50
percentage
Replace the word
per cent
show examples
.
Additionally
Linking Words
, the 25-34
age
Use synonyms
 had 80% visiting cinema in 1988,
then
Linking Words
 it
was
Unnecessary verb
apply
show examples
decreased by 10% for
next
Correct article usage
the next
show examples
 ten
year
Fix the agreement mistake
years
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 and again reached
by
Change preposition
apply
show examples
80% in 1998 and
at the end
Linking Words
 of 2008 it was slightly down which was approximately 75%. The middle
age
Use synonyms
group
Use synonyms
(35-49) had the average number of
visitor
Fix the agreement mistake
visitors
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in
Change preposition
to
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 the cinema in 1988, which was 60%
then
Linking Words
 fluctuated
untill
Correct your spelling
until
 2008 and reached
at
Remove the preposition
apply
show examples
almost 70%.

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Vocabulary: Replace the words age, group, percent with synonyms.
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Vocabulary: The word "graph" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "data" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "reached" was used 3 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "fluctuated" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "approximately" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "about" was used 2 times.
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