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Writing Samples
Band 6.5

The charts below show the growth in the population in some of the world’s largest cities as well as the population distribution in urban and rural areas.

The charts below show the growth in the population in some of the world’s largest cities as well as the population distribution in urban and rural areas.
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The bar chart compares the
citizen’s
Change noun form
citizen
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rate
Use synonyms
 and separation of metropolitan and countryside among
Tokyo
Use synonyms
, New
York
Use synonyms
,
Shanghai
Use synonyms
,
Bombay
Use synonyms
 and
Jakarta
Use synonyms
 in different years, 1970, 1990,
2010
Correct word choice
and 2010
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.
Overall
Linking Words
, it is glaringly obvious that the figures
of
Change preposition
for
show examples
 all
largest
Correct article usage
the largest
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 cities saw
dramatic
Add an article
a dramatic
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 increase during the shown period. Interestingly, the growth in the
population
Use synonyms
 of
Tokyo
Use synonyms
 and
Bombay
Use synonyms
 was seen
higher
Change preposition
at higher
show examples
 rates than others. Moving to
a more detailed analyses
Correct the article-noun agreement
a more detailed analysis
more detailed analyses
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,
it is clear that
Linking Words
 in 1970,
while
Linking Words
 the most
urbanization
Use synonyms
 was about 16
m
Use synonyms
 and 14
m
Use synonyms
accordingly
Linking Words
 in
Tokyo
Use synonyms
 and New
York
Use synonyms
, the
third ranked
Add a hyphen
third-ranked
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 city in the
population
Use synonyms
rate
Use synonyms
 was
Shanghai
Use synonyms
 with
its
Correct pronoun usage
apply
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over 12
m
Use synonyms
 people.
Moreover
Linking Words
,
Bombay
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 and
Jakarta
Use synonyms
 had shown
only
Rephrase
apply
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less than 5m people in their
urbanization
Use synonyms
rate
Use synonyms
 in the initial year.
According to
Linking Words
 the charts, it can be seen that by 1990 the
population
Use synonyms
 distribution in rural and urban areas of the largest cities had
been
Unnecessary verb
apply
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grown rapidly in
Bombay
Use synonyms
,
Jakarta
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 and
Tokyo
Use synonyms
while
Linking Words
 the
number of
Correct quantifier usage
apply
show examples
urbanization
Use synonyms
rate
Use synonyms
 rose gradually between roughly 1m and 2m in New
York
Use synonyms
 and
Shanghai
Use synonyms
. Eventually, in 2010,
Tokyo
Use synonyms
 and
Bombay
Use synonyms
 were first and
second ranked
Add a hyphen
second-ranked
show examples
 in
growth
Add an article
the growth
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 of the
population
Use synonyms
 with the
result
Fix the agreement mistake
results
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 28m and 27m respectively. Another main point is that the amount of
urbanization
Use synonyms
 in
Jakarta
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 and
Shanghai
Use synonyms
 rose dramatically to their peak and showed numbers over
than
Change preposition
apply
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18m,
while
Linking Words
 New
York
Use synonyms
 saw the result
only
Change preposition
of only
show examples
 17m.

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Linking words: Don't use the same linking words: "while".
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Vocabulary: Replace the words rate, tokyo, york, shanghai, bombay, jakarta, population, urbanization, m with synonyms.
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Vocabulary: Rephrase the word "undefined" in your introduction.
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Vocabulary: The word "chart" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "growth" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "dramatic" was used 2 times.
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