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Writing Samples /
Band 6.5

The charts below show the growth in the population in some of the world’s largest cities as well as the population distribution in urban and rural areas.

The charts below show the growth in the population in some of the world’s largest cities as well as the population distribution in urban and rural areas.
#show #growth #population #world’s #cities #distribution #areas
The bar chart compares the
citizen’s
Change noun form
citizen
show examples
rate
 and separation of metropolitan and countryside among
Tokyo
, New
York
,
Shanghai
,
Bombay
 and
Jakarta
 in different years, 1970, 1990,
2010
Correct word choice
and 2010
show examples
.
Overall
, it is glaringly obvious that the figures
of
Change preposition
for
show examples
 all
largest
Correct article usage
the largest
show examples
 cities saw
dramatic
Add an article
a dramatic
show examples
 increase during the shown period. Interestingly, the growth in the
population
 of
Tokyo
 and
Bombay
 was seen
higher
Change preposition
at higher
show examples
 rates than others. Moving to
a more detailed analyses
Correct the article-noun agreement
a more detailed analysis
more detailed analyses
show examples
,
it is clear that
 in 1970,
while
 the most
urbanization
 was about 16
m
 and 14
m
accordingly
 in
Tokyo
 and New
York
, the
third ranked
Add a hyphen
third-ranked
show examples
 city in the
population
rate
 was
Shanghai
 with
its
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
over 12
m
 people.
Moreover
,
Bombay
 and
Jakarta
 had shown
only
Rephrase
apply
show examples
less than 5m people in their
urbanization
rate
 in the initial year.
According to
 the charts, it can be seen that by 1990 the
population
 distribution in rural and urban areas of the largest cities had
been
Unnecessary verb
apply
show examples
grown rapidly in
Bombay
,
Jakarta
 and
Tokyo
while
 the
number of
Correct quantifier usage
apply
show examples
urbanization
rate
 rose gradually between roughly 1m and 2m in New
York
 and
Shanghai
. Eventually, in 2010,
Tokyo
 and
Bombay
 were first and
second ranked
Add a hyphen
second-ranked
show examples
 in
growth
Add an article
the growth
show examples
 of the
population
 with the
result
Fix the agreement mistake
results
show examples
 28m and 27m respectively. Another main point is that the amount of
urbanization
 in
Jakarta
 and
Shanghai
 rose dramatically to their peak and showed numbers over
than
Change preposition
apply
show examples
18m,
while
 New
York
 saw the result
only
Change preposition
of only
show examples
 17m.
Submitted by xolbekov.akbar on

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Linking words: Don't use the same linking words: "while".
▼
Vocabulary: Replace the words rate, tokyo, york, shanghai, bombay, jakarta, population, urbanization, m with synonyms.
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Vocabulary: Rephrase the word "undefined" in your introduction.
▼
Vocabulary: The word "chart" was used 2 times.
▼
Vocabulary: The word "growth" was used 2 times.
▼
Vocabulary: The word "dramatic" was used 2 times.
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