IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 4.5

Some people think that young people should spend free time with families instead of outside entertainment; others disagree. Discuss both views and give your opinion.

#people #time #families #entertainment
No one can deny that several
people
 think young individuals should spend free
time
 with their
families
instead
 of outside entertainment,
while
 other
people
 have opponents to
this
 position. It is vital to admit that both views have their own reasoning.
Although
 I understand why some
people
 disagree that
leisure
time
 for young generations should be with
families
, I am still strongly in favour of
this
 position. On the one hand, The option to think that young individuals should
be
Unnecessary verb
apply
show examples
spend
leisure
time
to
Change preposition
apply
show examples
outside entertainment for many convincing
reason
Change to a plural noun
reasons
show examples
. Most importantly, outside entertainment
bring
Change the verb form
brings
show examples
 interesting experiment and practical experience. In fact, They will explore new things and
also
 improve necessary skills, which can not gain from their
families
.
For instance
, When teenager
go
Change the verb form
goes
show examples
 to
the
Correct article usage
a
show examples
 coffee shop with
friend
Add an article
a friend
show examples
, communication skills which
is
Change the verb form
are
show examples
 century skill can be improved.
In addition
, youngsters can learn how to coffee operating from
design
Correct article usage
the design
show examples
 concept coffee shop and
built
Wrong verb form
build
show examples
connection
Fix the agreement mistake
connections
show examples
 with
customer
Fix the agreement mistake
customers
show examples
. Another key
reason
 is that going out is an excellent way to entertain in order to
get
Verb problem
have
show examples
 more fun and happiness. Nowadays,
Youngster
Fix the agreement mistake
youngsters
show examples
 do not have plenty of
time
 for free
time
. Their
time
 is mostly spent studying. Not only learn from school but
also
 extra study and even the remaining
time
 is self-study at home. So , they can
going
Change the verb form
go
be going
show examples
 out with friend
reset
Fix the infinitive
to reset
show examples
 their emotion and get positive
emotion
Fix the agreement mistake
emotions
show examples
.
Moreover
, they can get more motivation for life.
On the other hand
, despite
above
Correct article usage
the above
show examples
 argument, I still hold the belief that
leisure
Correct article usage
the leisure
show examples
time
 of young
people
 should be spent
for
Change preposition
with
show examples
 their
families
, which has
also
advantage
Add an article
an advantage
show examples
 for obvious reasons.
To begin
 with, one primary
reason
 is that
this
 can
built
Wrong verb form
build
show examples
 relationships with family. In actual fact,
Generation
Add an article
the Generation
show examples
 gap
is always exist
Change the verb form
always exists
show examples
 in every family.
This
 has led to children and
parent
Fix the agreement mistake
parents
show examples
can’t
Verb problem
not being able to
show examples
 understand each other.
This
 result partly
come
Change the verb form
comes
show examples
 from young
people
don’t
Correct pronoun usage
who don’t
show examples
 spend
leisure
time
 with family. A good example to illustrate
that
Add a missing verb
is that
show examples
Vietnam
Correct your spelling
Vietnamese
show examples
’
families
 try to have family
meal
Fix the agreement mistake
meals
show examples
 because of
understand
Wrong verb form
understanding
show examples
 more each other.
Furthermore
Add a comma
Furthermore,
show examples
 they can get
great
Change the article
a great
show examples
time
 together. That makes more connections in
family
Add an article
the family
show examples
.
In other words
, kids can learn moral and ethical values, especially life experience. Parents can help their children become the best versions that everyone respects.
For example
, Vietnamese
people
 always
teaching
Wrong verb form
teach
show examples
 children about their experience,
knowledge
Correct word choice
and knowledge
show examples
, especially
code
Correct pronoun usage
their code
show examples
 of behavior.
To sum up
,
while
 some hold the view that
leisure
Correct article usage
the leisure
show examples
time
 of
young
Correct article usage
the young
show examples
 generation should be spent
for
Change preposition
on
show examples
 outside activities because of convincing
reason
, I
am still hold
Change the verb form
am still holding
show examples
 the belief that
this
time
need
Change the verb form
needs
show examples
 to
spent
Change the form of the verb
spend
show examples
for
Change preposition
with
show examples
 family.
Submitted by dohmds160118 on

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task achievement
In terms of task response, while you have tried to discuss both sides of the argument and given an opinion, your points need further development with more specific examples and a clearer, more comprehensive explanation of ideas. Each key point should be expanded upon with illustrative examples and clear reasoning to better fulfil the requirements of the task.
coherence cohesion
For coherence and cohesion, your essay shows an attempt to organize ideas; however, there is room for improvement. Ensure that your essay has a clear logical structure with well-developed paragraphs. Each paragraph should have a clear central idea followed by supporting sentences which flow smoothly. Moreover, pay careful attention to your linking words to improve the connectivity between sentences and paragraphs, which would enhance the overall coherence of your response.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • bond
  • relationship
  • communication
  • experience
  • learn
  • opportunity
  • exposure
  • culture
  • perspective
  • development
  • interest
  • skill
  • socialize
  • peer
  • broaden
  • horizon
  • opinion
What to do next:
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