Some people think that money is one of the most essential factors in promoting happiness. Do you think people can be happy without much money? What other factors contribute towards happiness?

It is often believed that
money
is the key reason to stay happy.
However
, some
people
think that many can stay comfortably with less
money
. I agree with the latter statement and will provide some key factors that contribute to it. Conflicting arguments can be made that it is important to have a luxurious lifestyle for a joyful life.
Therefore
,
people
spend most of their
life
Fix the agreement mistake
lives
show examples
after
money
to bring happiness
in
Change preposition
to
show examples
their
life
Fix the agreement mistake
lives
show examples
.
Although
there are some other elements that can give us the satisfaction we need.
Firstly
, staying around the
people
we love, who will bring the joy with their care towards us.
For example
, if we are working hard to earn more
money
but
at the end
of the day there is no one to share that, we would feel lonely.
Therefore
, if we earn less
money
but have a family alongside us, we would not feel alone.
Secondly
, many can have more pleasure by helping others.
For instance
, if a doctor stays in a remote place, where he can help
people
by doing free volunteering, he might have immense pleasure.
Although
he will still have less
money
, he will be happy because of his free services.
Furthermore
, we can have pleasure by providing
foods
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food
show examples
,
clothes
Correct word choice
and clothes
show examples
to poor
people
or by giving free education to orphans. In conclusion, I am convinced that without having much
money
humans can stay joyfully through their family's love and the work they do for society.
In addition
, it will make us realise the value of relations we share with each other.
Submitted by hiyepe3602 on

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coherence cohesion
While your essay does exhibit a logical structure, it could benefit greatly from clearer topic sentences and more cohesive devices. It is important to ensure that each paragraph flows smoothly into the next with appropriate use of linking words. Moreover, strive to make topic sentences that clearly state the main point of the paragraph.
task achievement
You have addressed the prompt to some extent, but there is room for improvement. Aim to fully answer all parts of the question, providing a balanced view with well-developed arguments. Make sure to include a clear thesis statement in your introduction and summarise your key points in the conclusion. Furthermore, the use of more varied and complex sentence structures will enhance the clarity and comprehensiveness of your ideas.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • Promoting happiness
  • Essential factors
  • Financial stability
  • Material wealth
  • Personal fulfillment
  • Contentment
  • Basic needs
  • Maslow's hierarchy of needs
  • Social connections
  • Pursuing passions
  • Well-being
  • Mental health
  • Spiritual practices
  • Personal growth
  • Community service
  • Societal contribution
  • Philanthropy
  • Joy
  • Satisfaction
  • Prosperity
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