IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5

People argue that children spend their leisure time differently than it was before, and the main reason fir this is new devises.

#people #children #leisure #time #reason #fir
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People
 argue that
children
 spend their
leisure
time
 differently than it was before, and the main reason
fir
Correct your spelling
for
show examples
this
 is new
devises
Replace the word
devices
show examples
.Meanwhile,
this
Correct determiner usage
these
show examples
 changes may cause a number of problems ,I believe that the benefits outweigh the drawbacks. On the one hand, spending free
time
 on new technologies by
children
 is changed . Actually, youngsters are being more connected with technology,
this
 means that they are becoming anti-social.
Children
 started spending hours on computers or smartphones,they do not want to go out or spend their priceless
time
 with other
people
such
 as friends or other familiar
people
.
This
 is the main reason why they
have
Add a missing verb
do have
show examples
 not high communication skills, they can not play or do their homework with other
children
 in their
leisure
time
 and it is the first step
of
Change preposition
to
show examples
 losing a chance of becoming successful
due to
 the fact that successful
people
is
Change the verb form
are
show examples
 sociable , they solve all problems by using or managing others .
This
 habit can lead to health issues too, lacking outdoor activities and laziness
is
Verb problem
apply
show examples
a
key
Fix the agreement mistake
keys
show examples
 to obesity.
Children
 spend their
leisure
time
 staying or sitting in one place without any movements which was justified as a main cause of
this
 problem. Obesity is the next step to suicide , overweighted
people
 are killing themselves more, lose motivation to their
life
 and
children
 will behave like
this
 in their lifetime.
On the other hand
, new technologies showed great opportunities in
children
Change noun form
children's
show examples
life
. They make their free
time
 better and beneficial
due to
Change preposition
for
show examples
 some reasons.
Firstly
, young amateur cyber sportsmen resolve live problems
easier
Rephrase
more easily
show examples
 and
quicker
Replace the word
quickly
show examples
. They
adopt
Correct your spelling
adapt
show examples
 to
this
levels
Fix the agreement mistake
level
show examples
 of
life
 in games. They can think and understand
any thing
Correct your spelling
anything
show examples
.
Furthermore
, they are achieving higher results in their
life
, making money,friends and
also
 great
career
Fix the agreement mistake
careers
show examples
 because they learned how to win in both games and real
life
.
Secondly
, by spending free
time
 on
youtube
Correct your spelling
YouTube
show examples
 or other websites
children
learning
Wrong verb form
learn
show examples
 beneficial skills or
improving
Wrong verb form
improve
show examples
 them at
fast
Add an article
a fast
show examples
 pace. When
children
 find something difficult they ought to find learning videos and learn, if they are preparing for exams they may do some practice online, indeed, they can get higher results in IELTS or SAT tests by watching professional
teachers
Change noun form
teachers'
teacher's
show examples
 lessons online in their
leisure
time
. In conclusion, I believe that the benefits of new changes made by new technologies are
great
Correct word choice
greater
show examples
 than the drawbacks,serious though these are.
Submitted by inglishman777 on

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coherence cohesion
It's crucial to maintain a clear logical structure throughout your essay. Ensure each paragraph follows from the last in a logical sequence, with clear topic sentences and cohesive devices to guide the reader.
coherence cohesion
While an introduction and conclusion are present, they could be stronger. The introduction should paraphrase the question and outline the main points more succinctly. The conclusion should summarize the arguments made without introducing new information.
coherence cohesion
Support your main points with clear and relevant examples. Each paragraph should focus on one main idea and be expanded with detailed evidence or examples.
task achievement
Respond to all parts of the task, ensuring your response is complete. Address the question directly and make sure your position is clear throughout the essay.
task achievement
Develop clear and comprehensive ideas by fully elaborating on your viewpoints, explaining the significance of the points made, and elaborating on their implications or consequences.
task achievement
Include specific examples that are directly relevant to the question to strengthen your argument. Avoid vague statements and generalize less. Instead, use concrete details to make your essay more persuasive.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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