IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Write about the following topic: In some countries there are more young people choosing to enrol in work-based training instead of attending university. Do the advantages of this situation outweigh the disadvantages? Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience. Write at least 250 words.

#topic #countries #people #enrol #university #situation
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The number of young youths taking the path of acquiring skills technically without going to
the
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apply
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university has increased. In my view ,there are more disadvantages to
this
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 than merits.
Although
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i
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I
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 accept
its
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it's
it is
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 a great thing to obtain skills without studying
at
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on
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campus
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the campus
a campus
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 ,
i
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I
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also
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 believe that it is a better way to gain knowledge from the university before going out
in
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into
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 the real work world.
This
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 is because
at
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, at
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 the academy , one is able to learn various ways
on
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apply
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how to approach tasks.
for
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example
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example,
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while
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i
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I
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 study at my college, my professors teach us how to network with people in industries, speaking to the employers and mostly how to achieve our labour in a short period of time.
Furthermore
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, at the institute
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I
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i
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I
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 am taught how to deal with different kinds of people
comig
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coming
 from all over the world so when
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I
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i
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I
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 start performing my duties at a job it is easy for me to deal with
diversities
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diversity
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 which is not the case for those who have not
expereienced
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experienced
 university life.
In addition
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 to that, it is burdensome for a young person who has not attended college to perform activities like public speaking during presentations
due to
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 the fact that it is carried out in classes each semester .
Unfortunately
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Unfortunately,
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 young people in the working fields lack confidence and are not exposed to research abilities since they did not gain the knowledge earlier. In conclusion, boys and girls who have taken the path of work-based training
imediately
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immediately
 do not get the chance to kick-start their careers since most employers hire
according to
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 qualifications. It becomes tremendously tiresome to convince the owner of a
companny
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company
 that you can achieve numerous tasks without showing any projects that should have been done before at campus.
Submitted by birungiroenah37 on

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Coherence & Cohesion
The essay shows some organization but lacks clear progression in ideas. Transitions between points and paragraphs could be smoother and more logical.
Coherence & Cohesion
An introductory paragraph was present, but the conclusion was somewhat abrupt. Both could be more fully developed to frame the argument clearly.
Coherence & Cohesion
Main points were supported, but often with general statements rather than specific examples or evidence. It would enhance the argument to give concrete illustrations of the points made.
Task Achievement
The response to the task was incomplete and tended to be one-sided. The prompt asked for an evaluation of whether the advantages outweighed the disadvantages, but this was not fully addressed. It's crucial to cover all aspects of the question.
Task Achievement
The essay provided some explanations of ideas but they were not comprehensive or fully elaborated on. More detailed development of points would improve the response.
Task Achievement
Relevant examples were scarce and lacked detail. The use of a personal example ('...while I study at my college') is good, but more specific and varied examples would strengthen the argument.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

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