IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 3

Most people agree that money cannot be happiness. Why happiness difficult to define? How can people achieve happiness?

#people #money #happiness
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It is generally considered by many
people
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 that they are not necessarily happy
inspire
Wrong verb form
inspired
show examples
of
Change preposition
by
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 having a lot of money.
However
Linking Words
, it is difficult to define
happiness
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, as there are many other factors contributing to it. Being positive in every situation of
life
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 is crucial for
people
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 to achieve
happiness
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. The reason
happiness
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 cannot be easily defined is that it is
a
Change the article
an
show examples
 abstract concept, which varies from
person
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 to
person
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according to
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 their
life
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 experience.
In other words
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, individuals have different
thing
Fix the agreement mistake
things
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 in
life
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such
Linking Words
 as personalities,
occupation
Fix the agreement mistake
occupations
show examples
 and
relationship
Fix the agreement mistake
relationships
show examples
.
For example
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, someone who is in poor health conditions may find
happiness
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 in just being physically healthy.
Moreover
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,
although
Linking Words
Use synonyms
person
Correct article usage
a person
show examples
have
Change the verb form
has
show examples
 achieved a quality of
life
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, don't have a fruitful relationship
among
Change preposition
with
show examples
 family.
Then
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 it is very hard to define
wheather
Correct your spelling
whether
 a
person
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 is happy or not. Nowadays, many
status
Correct your spelling
states
show examples
 are measured by wealth and possession.
People
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 think that money is most important to be happy, they try hard enough to earn money.
Linking Words
Nevertheless
Add a comma
Nevertheless,
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 they do not know that many rich
people
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 are
also
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 not satisfied with their
life
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due to
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 many reasons. So, having a harmonious family lead to true
happiness
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. In conclusion, I think that every
person
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have
Change the verb form
has
show examples
 their own definition of what
happiness
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 is. Being satisfied with what an individual
have
Correct subject-verb agreement
has
show examples
 currently
make
Correct subject-verb agreement
makes
show examples
 their
life
Use synonyms
 more fruitful and happy
Submitted by chhetrig361 on

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Coherence & Cohesion
The logical structure of your essay needs improvement. Your essay should have a clear progression from introduction to body paragraphs and conclusion, each logically connected to the previous. Consider using topic sentences at the beginning of each paragraph and transition words to guide the reader smoothly through your arguments.
Coherence & Cohesion
Your essay must include both an introduction and a conclusion. Your introduction should more clearly present the topic and outline the main points to be discussed. The conclusion should summarize your points without introducing new information. Aim for a strong, concise thesis statement and a definitive concluding sentence.
Coherence & Cohesion
Main points should be elaborated with supporting evidence. Develop each point with specific examples, explanations or data. General statements are not as convincing as those that have detailed support, such as citing studies, personal experiences or statistics.
Task Achievement
Your response should fully address all parts of the task. At present, your essay does not clearly address why happiness is difficult to define, and the steps to achieve happiness are underdeveloped. Expanding on these areas with more focused details and examples will improve your score.
Task Achievement
The ideas presented in your essay should be clear and comprehensive. Make sure that each paragraph conveys a single main idea that directly relates to the topic. Use specific, focused examples to illustrate your points and avoid vague statements.
Task Achievement
Your essay should include relevant, specific examples to support your ideas. While you mentioned general scenarios, incorporating real-life examples or research findings will strengthen your arguments and make them more persuasive.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • subjective
  • universally
  • cultural differences
  • psychological factors
  • satisfaction with life
  • emotional balance
  • personal achievements
  • social connections
  • fulfilling relationships
  • sense of belonging
  • sense of purpose
  • physical health
  • well-being
  • financial stability
  • mindfulness
  • gratitude
  • positive thinking
What to do next:
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